Greenberg

Wake at 11am when front door of flat opens and flatmate Tom enters. Want to make solid impression so drag self to kitchen. Flatmate Tom impressed by impression to extent of offering to make French toast. Instantly feel more continental but remain far from functional. Slump at desk and write Objectified blog.

Enjoy toast ala French and pacify approaching palpitations ala heart by loading John Cusack comedy Hot Tub Time Machine on VLC player. Hopeful that comedy will be numbing enough to allow self to survive mid-morning angst. Flatmate Tom takes high road and watches episodes of Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe, visiting self only to question choice of Cusack film given he has heard terrible things. Self incapable of offering disagreement as film's opening twenty minutes diabolical and titular hot tub yet to appear.

Hot tub eventually takes centre stage. Naked men enter hot tub and moment of cinematic history occurs when Phil Mitchell lookalike offers up following line: "It's called male bonding, haven't you even seen Wild Hogs?" Whilst reference pleasingly contemporary, any film that alludes to such inconsequential mediocrity as Wild Hogs to qualify most plot-important scene in film (as hot tub will blast naked men into past) needs serious reevaluation before shooting even begins.

Hyperactive phantasmagoria ensues allowing filmmaker Steve Pink to defecate freely on years of work by visual artists and set up next scene where Phil Mitchell vomits on squirrel. Flatmate Tom in room for this moment and leaves in silence, presumably shell shocked.

Chevy Chase arrives, flatulence does too. Hot Tub Time Machine so unbearable that self can't even do other things on computer whilst it continues to punish self from its tiny VLC window which self has relegated to corner of laptop screen. Decide to end things before those things get worse. Self pleased for first time in life that self not professional critic as job would require self to watch film until end credits.

Self unwilling to write of film in blog, but feel that negative publicity necessary. As punishment to previously-quite-liked Cusack, refuse to include image of film in blog post and leave title of film out of post heading.

Instead of suffering through Cusackrophe begin investigating potentiality of career in publishing, although online publication of blog does not equate to two years desk-job experience. Stupid Bloomsbury. Stupid Hot Tub Time Machine. Viciously angry towards film as now using film as excuse for world's evil. Film cost $50 million to produce and $47 million to market. Self could film flatmate Tom vomiting on squirrel in Sloane Square for less than £5. Instead spend money on tobacco and milk from corner shop.

Calmed by tea, self loads recently marketed Ben Stiller independent Greenberg on VLC player. Initial trouble loading film. Reasonable as VLC player probably feeling sick after hot tub film. Am vigilant for squirrels.

Self excited as self fan of filmmaker Noah Baumbach on basis of brilliant comedy The Squid and the Whale. Self did not see follow-up Margot at the Wedding as self was tired of weddings after watching harrowing (not in critical sense) Rachel Getting Married.

Ben Stiller stays in successful brother's house for a month and has adventures in Hollywood. Rhys Ifans arrives and takes socially awkward Stiller to barbeque party. Self approves. Stiller meets old friend non-fat-one from Humpday. Wonder if film about to take on unexpected homosexual tint. Stiller meets Jennifer Jason Leigh. Jennifer responsible for story of film and also helped produce. Stiller wants to date Jennifer.

Stiller fond of writing complaint letters to corporate giants. Stiller might want to think about sending one to MGM regarding films starring hot tubs.

Stiller initiates first-fifteen-minutes-of-first-episode-of-True-Blood-style-non-neck-based mouth activity on brother's assistant Florence. Florence fifteen years Stiller's junior. Florence wants to take things slow. Stiller decides best course of action is compilation of mix tape for Florence. Notion wise as Stiller reasonable taste in music.

Self begins to notice quality acting from Stiller. Not necessarily playing against type, but not not playing against type quite well. Double negative only possible way of ever describing Stiller acting.

Stiller often bored but incapable of being comfortable around people so no one seems too willing to hang out with him. Stiller phones Rhys Ifans. Rhys Ifans watching Just My Luck. Baumbach schools hot tub fetishist Steven Pink in how to do comical contemporary reference. (Realise that lunatic Lohan should consider phoning McFly to help save career.)

Stiller hosts party. Stiller has brief sex. Stiller does this. Stiller does that. Baumbach screenplay sort of sprawling. Film somewhat numbing. Should have watched film earlier when self wanted purge of sensation. Greenberg creates sort of sickness in self because of retro aesthetic and awkward human interaction. Flatmate Tom goes to work. Decide self should probably copy. Self advises local squirrel community to vacate self's route to work ala now.

Objectified

Return home from work hour later than usual in hope of increasing capital at workplace. Flatmate Johnny in later stages of bottle of wine. Flatmate Tom AWL. Spend length of time discussing film ideas with flatmate Johnny. Self edging nearer to feeling ready to begin thinking about possibly trying to come up with idea for film. Realise that dream blog scenario involves self watching own film and being deprecating about film on blog. Fear that if dream reaches fruition, internet technology will have made blog defunct, as by that time humankind will most likely be under domination of machines.


Flatmate Johnny retires to bedroom to watch True Blood, which self knows flatmate Tom also enjoying, though not currently. As much as self knows that self would enjoy any televised series that features heavy mouth-on-genitals petting within opening fifteen minutes, for time being self excited about watching Objectified, documentary filmmaker Gary Hustwit's second film and follow up to font-based documentary epic Helvetica. 


Self aware that powerhouse Hustwit little known in film land. Little over 1000 people have rated Helvetica on imdb.com and research reveals this only to do with re-release of film in shortened form as part of BBC's Imagine series. Objectfied, by comparison, rated on imdb by little over 300 people. Self so wholeheartedly in support of documentary on font that self including poster of film for no reason.

Objectified reveals itself as documentary about object design. Crux similar to Helvetica in that designers interviewed are geared towards minimalistic use-oriented design, creating objects as simplistic as possible. Font simile: Helvetica like iPod, Comic Sans like travelling folk band. 


Naturally, famous designer in charge of Braun - whose products Apple sells on Apple Store - says Apple best design company at present. Point made by journalist that invention of microchip lead to products in no way reflecting their use. iPod is mini rectangle. Spoon looks like it could be used to shovel substance from one place onto/into another. Am surprised to hear word "analogue" in conjunction with spoon. Self always thought analogue meant record players and video art. Self put in place. On chair. At desk. Analogue chair. Analogue desk. 


Ex-designer for BMW sits in car and says that car has face. Car is avatar for human being as car making statement on road. Instant worriment at what self's car - hulking purple Toyota people carrier - saying about self. Is self's car saying self is children's-television-programme-character Barney the Dinosaur? Is self's car saying self is fat? Self pleased that representative car now parked far from flat in private road in Epping, hidden from human eyes. Self can instead pretend self's car is SmartCar. Realise when thinking of SmartCar that SmartCar looks like large iPod. Self is iPod. 


French woman appears and says she strives to draw out individualistic element in mass produced objects. Gary Hustwit making overall comment about cinema? 


Man in charge of store chain Muji reflects that "By writing simply and only about what is there, the audience is drawn into the poet's world." Self obviously not poet as self was never supporting act at flatmate Johnny's poetry recitals - although self has seen Unforgiven - but Muji man's follow up statement is elucidating regarding blog: "Their imagination is stimulated, and a silent connection is established." Self would like similar relationship with blog readers. Self thereby required to write "simply and only about what is there..." Decide also to write in Helvetica font for furthered simplicity.


Self. Laptop. Ashtray with well balanced cigarette. Fourth can of Stella. Hands typing keys on laptop. Ashtray annoyingly shallow in design. Ashtray should be deeper. Ashtray rim should by thicker for more roll-up cigarette balance stability. Design of Stella can means full cans can be stacked vertically with no limit. 


Decide that textual analysis of film not feasible using Japanese-what-is-there technique and return to old style. Decide that the very least self can do is use Helvetica font as tribute to Hustwit. 


Documentary takes dramatic dark turn when issue of environment raised. Self did not realise extent of environmental concern caused by toothbrushes. Self put in place again in analogue chair at analogue desk when Hustwit films wallchart. Human being uses 154 toothbrushes, 292 tubes of toothpaste, 1,095 packs of gum, 219 bottles of mouthwash in lifetime. Self dubious about last statistic as self has used mouthwash maybe twice in life and considers occupation solely that of upper-middle class Manhattanites. Self plans trip to Boots following day.


Global toothbrush problem enters think tank. One option voiced is sterling silver handle with attachable brush. Self likes option. Self plans trip to Muji following day. Self forced to take pause as self no longer reading subtitles so Muji man must not be designer of sterling silver toothbrush. 


Looking at members of toothbrush think tank causes sense of borderline irony as several designers would benefit from having make-up/fashion advisors. 


Self experiences near-ecstasy during toothbrush design montage when graphics designer uses computer to put together images for "Word of Mouth" campaign and is asked if font being used is HELVETICA. Remember why self has chosen cinema as life long beloved medium and why self endures offal like Man About Town on off chance that moment such as this will occur. 


Self needs new toothbrush.


Euphoria turns to despair when self realises alcohol drought occurring. Already 1.30am. Can not leave without explanation as flatmate Johnny still awake as sound of screaming coming from room (50% possible screaming coming from television). Fortunately, earlier trip to Tesco led to self's purchase of Sleep Aid. Make cup of tea. Peruse instructions on Sleep Aid box. "May cause drowsiness." Self fucking hopes so! "Avoid alcoholic drink." Self wonders if this means before or afterwards.


No time to lose so self swallows 75mg of Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride as documentary comes to close. In finale am told by designer that if hurricane suddenly swept through hometown, self would not grab item that received good write up in design blog, self would instead grab treasured possessions from personal narrative. Since self's personal narrative is currently available in blog form, self would have to grab laptop. Self would also grab box of boyhood memorabilia (manorabilia) and all of alcohol from flatmate Johnny's room. More than satisfied when closing sequence of Objectified infers that filmmaker Hustwit would likewise grab laptop and, pleasingly self-reflexively, video camera.


Annoyed with self for not checking time of Sleep Aid dosage. Can't tell if slightly drunk of over medicated. Decide to lie in analogue bed until pharmaceuticals take hold. Mix of alcohol and Sleep Aid results in dreams of electric cars. Self reminded of documentary Who Killed the Electric Car? Self wonders why corporate-greed-challenging film sunk without trace. Self wonders who killed the film Who Killed the Electric Car? Self is iPod. iPod set to sleep. 

Man About Town

Return to flat on stroke of midnight after climax of football competition. Flatmate Johnny at non-flatmate girlfriend Vicky's flat. Flatmate Tom at non-flatmate girlfriend Georgia's flat. Intensions of inviting non-flatmate birthday boy Martin to become new boyfriend for lone reason of having someone to come home with self scuppered when victorious Spanish revellers stream into roads and distract self with merriment.

Have acquired several nightcaps on walk home and initialise little known Ben Affleck film Man About Town on VLC player. Had seen poster for film on website years ago and remembered vague desire to watch film when perusing Affleck filmography during hilarious game of career comparison between Affleck and friend Matt Damon.

Affleck playing successful Hollywood agent type. Affleck probably desirous of character's job given Affleck lack of involvement in Bourne Trilogy. Despite Affleck character's money, Affleck hair questionable.

Affleck troubled by wife cheating on him with Adam Goldberg. Difficult to sympathise as Goldberg is hardbody and much funnier than Affleck. Affleck so upset that he decides to take journal writing course supervised by John Cleese. Wonder if self would benefit from Cleese-run blog tutorial. Decide Cleese would adopt know-all uncle approach and negatively scrutinise self's alcohol intake upon review of blog. Wonder if self should take up lying. Decide self not wise enough to get away with mistruths in blog, unlike Affleck character who is cunning and ego maniacal to extent that no one wants to talk to him. Sympathy for Affleck as this may be reflection of real life.

Appearance of Gina Gershon alerts self to possible lesbian sex scene. Self annoyed at blurriness of vision and decide to put film on hold until morning. Pause at suitable point: Affleck writing in journal about loathing of brother when younger because brother stole Affleck girlfriend. Affleck writes, "End of entry." Find Affleck end of entry ridiculous and become angry at Mike Binder's screenplay. Anger escalates when research reveals Mike Binder also responsible for direction. Go to sleep close to certain that self will never finish film.

Wake at 10.30am and leave to purchase luncheon supplies for rest of week. Return and decide to finish Affleck film whilst washing up and making sandwiches. Enjoyment of film soars when masked stranger comes to Affleck house to carry out Affleck bashing and steal Affleck diary. Affleck very upset with his replacement teeth and about not having journal anymore. Forty minute negotiation with failed screenwriter woman begins. Self close to drowning in soapy water in kitchen sink but self saved when noise of door opening signals return of flatmate Tom.

By grace of unknown possibly non-existant celestial entity, terrible sense-numbing Affleck vehicle comes to predictable conclusion. Am impressed with self surviving until end and feel as if self should receive some sort of award, as watching Man About Town far more gruelling than playing seven games of football in South Africa to win trophy.

Somehow, watching Affleck film has swallowed entire day, and realise that self on brink of being late for work. Have just enough time to research film and decide that self definitely deserving of award as Man About Town's imdb page doesn't even have active awards link for film. Am pleased by film's failings in domain of decoration, but not by stupid user review labelling film "worthwhile drama." Decide to become boy about town and set off for work on two-wheeled bicycle.

End of entry.

The Man Without a Face

NB: Entire blog emboldened as anything Gibson related necessarily in extremes.

Wake at 10.30am after another flat barbeque hosted by flatmates Tom and Johnny in celebration of return of non-flatmate girlfriends. Self unable to blog during recent days as busy with work and constant You Tubing of old episodes of Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe. Know that self, at some point in week, absorbed heart melting Mel Gibson film The Man Without a Face. Unfortunately for self, fandom of Gibson untimely given recent racially related outburst, which, coupled with self's gentle criticism of Morgan Freeman's interpretation of Nelson Mandela, may result in self being lynched by over zealous friends hoping to exhibit categorical non-racism. 

Had decided upon Gibson screening as self spotted film on BBC iPlayer following enjoyment of sumptuous, if historically absurd, Ledger Casanova experience. BBC iPlayer becoming self's new favourite medium as films available always obscurely relevant (such as Gibson film arriving alongside Gibson rant) and hark back to self's past consumption of whatever box of moving images self could find in self's parents' attic. 

Alarmed at introduction of child hero of film as character played by Nick Stahl, who will later grow up to inject heroin. Nick Stahl very angry and troubled. Nick Stahl already on war path to heroin addiction. Nick Stahl planning of retaking test for private military academy. Nick Stahl presumably failed original examination because of heroin distraction. Fortunately for boyish addict Stahl, famous freak of town Gibson was once lecturer in Latin. Stahl fearful of approaching Gibson as Gibson terrible at social graces and DOESN'T HAVE FACE.

Stahl overcomes Gibson's TERRIBLE BURN SCARS and begins writing essays discussing super heroes whilst replacing erstwhile opinions about judging appearances with acceptance of HIDEOUSLY DISFIGURED NO-FACE Gibson. Stahl so embarrassed by new friend Gibson who DOESN'T HAVE FACE that he keeps truth about new NO FACE tutor friend secret from family and friends. Ultimate result of Stahl's avoidance regarding new MASSIVELY BLEMISHED friend is decision by townsfolk to presume that TOAST FACE Gibson is sexually abusing later heroin addict Stahl. Pretty much only thing Gibson hasn't done to massively offend everyone on earth is to sexually abuse children. (Self suspicious that younger Gibson new older Gibson would be globally despised and so made film in which he has HORRIFIC BURNT-PIZZA FACE ISSUE with hope of gleaning sympathy vote.)

Wonder why sexual abuse wasn't issue for Mr Holland when writing his opus, or John Keating when forming his society of dead poets, or Mr Chips when he was saying goodbye, or Mr Thackeray, especially since all of black Thackeray's students were white and sending him notes reading "To sir, with love." Know as fact that Gibson not in non-white Mr Thackeray's class as Gibson more liable to send latter bomb.

Due to Gibson general hatred of life, climax of film is heart rending and totality of schoolastic symphony undeniable achievement for first time director Gibson. Find self withered to state of wannabe Gibson disciple given Gibson's clever throw-over of Gibson image: make film on low budget starring unknown child actor, use Gibson self name and notoriety as sole box office draw, make well-known and well-loved (at the time) Gibson face HIROSHIMA'D. 

Self compelled to align with mass public loathing of Gibson following recent rant. Self obviously unhappy with necessity as self enamoured with Gibson to extent of wanting to learn Aramaic (ארמית). Wonderment at depth of Gibson racism given continued use of other languages in films: aforementioned language of Jesus in The Passion of the Christ, Latin in The Man Without a Face, Scottish accents in Braveheart. 

Gibson seemingly unhappy with size of non-flatmate ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva's new breasts. Gibson fearful for sexual exclusivity of relationship with Oksana given potentiality of gang rape by non-white people. Gibson rant borderline acceptable until inevitable use of N-word. Stupid Gibson. Now everyone hate Gibson even more. No point in Gibson releasing films as no one willing to watch them. Gibson probably unable to get any actor that's not severe Nationalist to work with him.

Decide self will maintain one-member Gibson fan club, but Gibson must be punished. Decide provocative picture of Gibson non-flatmate ex-girlfriend Oksana only course of action. 

Gibson career facing problems. Gibson dropped not only by large breasted girlfriend Oksana but also by agent. Gibson hate monologue responsible for ironic 170% surge in popularity on imdb.com's STARmeter. Feel as if STATmeter missing point somewhat. 

Contemplate Gibson options. Gibson feasibly capable of martyring self for Scotland's freedom. Or asking Joaquin Phoenix to help him save family from Alien threat. Or asking Danny Glover to help him prevent terrible things occurring in Los Angeles four times over. Or using kerosine to create new image as man WITHOUT FACE. 

Gibson options unattractive. Decide to put plans for Gibson fan club website on hold in favour of celebrating non-flatmate Northerner Martin's birthday. Thankful that self has face. Try to make self's face vaguely decorative in hope of chance encounter with newly available non-flatmate Gibson-ex girlfriend Oksana. 

Casanova

Ride home from work on recently refurbished two-wheel bicycle. Almost zip past Union Theatre without noticing and saluting old work partner non-flatmate Anthony. Anthony in Sondheim musical Assassins. Anthony enjoying gin and tonic with twirl of lime. Find self out of place with successful actor types and escape to flat.

Feel airy and adventurous after bicycle journey and brief touch of stardom and glamour. Decide to watch film on BBC iPlayer for first time. Films available include Costner mourn fest Dragonfly, Stoppard mastabatory comedy Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, foreign disability drama The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and romantic escapade Heath Ledger vehicle Casanova. Have seen Casanova earlier in less-sexually-active-than-Casanova life and had made active effort to draw pleasure from film in spite of torrent of sassy reviews as self fond of Lasse Hallstrom canon.

Have read selected extracts from Casanova's twelve-volume memoir The Story of My Life and grimace at film's narrative sidestep at inception when aged Casanova declares that events audience about to witness too emotionally important to include in memoirs. However, all not lost as film potentially useful tool for learning art of the woo. Hope advice less opaque than real life Casanova advice: "There is no honest woman with an uncorrupted heart whom a man is not sure of conquering by dint of gratitude. It is one of the surest and shortest means."

Screening halted by return of flatmate Johnny from gaming event. Johnny bearing trophies from gaming event non-electric games. Trophies: jar of Tom Clancy Ghost Reacon Future Soldider pickles, bottle of rum and business card of attractive writer/producer/presenter girl. Johnny interested in designing own business card. Revelation that Johnny used to do poetry gigs almost distracts self entirely from Ledger lechery but self's focus reinstalled when Johnny exits room to work on business card designs.

Ledger's Casajoker predictably active during credit sequence with array of eighteenth century hardbodies. Wonder whether these conquests are counted in addition to or inclusive of total number of conquests (later stated as over 120). Realise that film gearing character in monogamous direction at pain of death. Casajoker suitably undergoes search to find wife. Casajoker interest in pale faced minx, daughter of wealthy traditionalist. Casajoker also interested in exceedingly well-read wannabe suffragette Sienna Miller.

Casajoker challenged to dual by Sienna Miller's thick-eyebrowed virginal brother. During dual, Casajoker victim to old switcheroo technique and finds himself fighting Sienna Miller. Difficult to believe mistaken identity given eagle-wing spread of eyebrow hair on brothers' face, but trust Hallstrom's steering of plot twists.

Meanwhile, Ken Stott absolutely consumed with gathering evidence to bring Casajoker's neck to noose. Feel as if Ken Stott character could do with aspects of other Ken Stott character Rebus as detective qualities would surely allow him to outwit Casajoker. Talents potentially worth Rebus' epic alcoholism.

Too late for Ken Stott as Jeremy Irons grandly appears as Rome's head inquisitor. Casajoker's notorious debauchery has drawn attention of Vatican. Bad news bears for Casajoker as everyone knows what Vatican did to Galileo. Jeremy Iron's apparently basing performance on army of Nazis. Self familiar with Irons' uniquely gravelly voice, but feel as if Irons slightly upping ante as voice resembles sound lazy vacuum cleaner would make negotiating slab of dry wood up vacuum cleaner's nozzle.

Visitation from flatmate Johnny with business card designs reveals to self's despair that he has seen Casanova. Wonder what kind of life flatmate Johnny must have had to lead to this moment in time, where he can announce that although entirely ignorant of all-time-classic Unforgiven, he has seen moderate farce Casanova and used to do poetry gigs.

Sudden appearance of Geoffrey Rush entails plot thickening. Geoffrey Rush in new career defining role, not as autistic piano genius worth of Oscar, not as Casanovian charlatan capable of outrageous poetry with ability to woo Kate Winslet, but as alcohol sodden mouthpiece for Sienna Miller's suffragette philosopher.

Plot now fully marinated when Oliver Platt's pork baron arrives. Self barely able to keep up with Casajoker's identity thefts. Utterly convinced that upcoming Carnivale ball which Casajoker plans to attend as both pork baron and eligible bachelor and himself can only result in Casajoker date with noose. Perhaps self wrong as Casajoker has cunningly brought to ball two masks. Surprised when self right when Casajoker caught and sent to face noose. More surprised that Sienna Miller has purposefully joined him at hangman's hill to be hung as well. Suspicious that couple slightly depraved and interest in auto-asphictiation has gone too far.

Jubilation when Casajoker's mother arrives just in time to save Casajoker as Casajoker's mother now wife of Cardinal. Jeremy Iron's severely unimpressed. Another Cardinal arrives. Cue hilarious chase sequence which culminates in a kiss orgy on Oliver Platt's boat. Casajoker hands off mantle of Casanova to Sienna Miller's brother, who has been busying virginal loins in brothel where his performance was grandiose to extent of prostitutes not wanting payment. New Casanova continues legacy and climactic reveal shows that it was Sienna Miller's brother playing aged Casanova at film's beginning.

Breathe deeply and exhale sigh. Flatmate Tom still not home. Wonder if flatmate Tom using advantage of girlfriend's absence to embark on large scale assault on singletons of Southwark. Dismiss notion as laughable as football match being played in South Africa and self knows flatmate Tom would always neglect two round things in favour of one round thing. Slip quietly between sheets and dream of self's own passionate encounters with past loves. Dreams expectedly begin twisting into horrifying nightmares and instead turn sleepy thoughts towards Mel Gibson.

Unforgiven

Wake sporadically from 6am to 11.30am at half hour intervals drenched in sweat caused by either fever or guilt regarding vaguely anti-Mandela comments made in previous post. Previous day spent barbecuing various meats and drinking recently released environmentally friendly lager. All flatmates now present and joined by non-flatmate Northerner Martin in viewing of Seinfeld documentary. Flatmates now back on radar and available for liaisons given both flatmates' non-flatmate girlfriends are in Barcelona. Isolate self for purpose of finalising BFI application. Have new found fire inside self (re. application) following flatmate Tom's tweet at notorious Guardian critic Peter Bradshaw which resulted in blog's first usable poster quote: "@tommoores101 Enjoyed Josh's blog. How's his BFI application going?"

Spend day barbecuing and drinking mix of lager and cider. Festivities wind down by 6pm with departure of non-flatmate Northerner Martin. Decide to download Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare and occupy interim with viewing of Eastwood-genre-subversion-classic Unforgiven. 

Am visited throughout screening by flatmate Tom and flatmate Johnny for banter, exchange of core values, unified alcohol intake and dual cigarette smoking. Find self questioning stability of flat's cultural sphere when flatmate Johnny reveals that he has neither seen nor ever heard of four time Academy Award winning classic liked by 453 people on facbook and currently listed as imdb.com's 104th best film of all time whilst being ranked 68th in AFI's 1997 list of magnificent movies made during duration of planet.

Presume Johnny in some way poisoned by homemade burgers. (Mainly suspicious of stupidity poisoning brought on by intake of meat that flatmate Tom received from Casey Affleck, a juncture at which he noticed the conspicuous absence of Affleck girlfriend Jessica Alba.)

Feeling of watching Unforgiven akin to two hour coitus. Have no criticism worthy of offer besides slight concern that Eastwood failed to contact babysitter before leaving his children in charge of feverish hogs in middle of open plain farm. 

Go to bed minus self's own Sally Twotrees and consider ways in which self can watch second-of-three-western-genre-Best-Picture-Oscar-winners Costner vehicle Dances with Wolves, all on account a' pulling the Unforgiven DVD from under bed.

Invictus

Wake sometime before noon but find well-being sprawled across wall, throat feeling like poster for Sex and the City 2 and neck as stiff as Gibson sex organ during screening of Triumph of the Will. Decide only antidote is pilgrimage to family home to indulge in food-binge-based remedy. Lie prone in manner of whimpering fawn on parents' sofa until return of monster-truck-psyiched father. Venture out into wilds of Leyton to procure Chinese food and copy of recent Eastwood Mandela rugby essay Invictus on BluRay. Feel as if national disappointment regarding World footballing event should not deter self from maintaining interest in cultural festival, and decide South African setting of Eastwood sport film applicable to cause.

Throughout duration of film find self slipping into semi coma. Uncertain whether inducement caused by stomach overload or Mandela monotony: Mandela lines seemingly all gleaned from Book of Proverbs. Eastwood portrayal of admittedly massively important and influential political monument Mandela as filtered through Morgan Freeman portrayal is given cumbersome burden of near Godliness. Mandela not God. Mandela certainly hulking humanitarian force, but Mandela in no way exhibited as human in film. Would be suspicious that Eastwood simply using waxwork of Mandela from famed London museum had not waxwork uncanny similarity to God character from Bruce/Evan Almighty Freeman.

Wonder why Matt Damon, whenever not engaged in slow motion rugby skirmishes, has arms crossed. Damon trying to hide something? Damon fearful of acting against Freeman when Freeman speaking only in Biblical verse? Damon worried that image of Damon on poster so heavily photoshopped that Damon looks almost as glossed as samples from Dulux Summer catalogue/David Cameron propaganda thinktank? Damon concerned about Springbok's climactic match against New Zealand's All Blacks apropos latter team's suggestive name? Damon most probably left with nothing to do as Eastwood preoccupied with making entire poem-based film as inoffensive as possible.

Reach end of film and feel as if self has scored two hour try (or touchdown as Marky Mark Wahlberg/Warren Beatty would say). Disappointed not to hear dulcit tones of Eastwood's vocal experiments as with end credits of Grand Torino. As it resulted, "in the fell clutch of circumstance / [self]  ha[s] not winced nor cried out loud." Impossible are such affectations when film made in laboratory so sterilised with moral conviction that self feels pangs of racism if ever on verge of making textual-analysis-based-indictment of Eastwood-Victorian-poem-based-Rugby-World-Cup-Mandela-Freeman-Damon-'drama'. Not utterly disappointed, but...

Leave childhood home minutes later to catch underground tube train back to Southwark home. Touchdown around 10.30pm feeling as if self has been tackled in small lift by Jonah Lomu, who is not entirely all black. Watch a few episodes of season seven of South Park and toss and turn self into a state of feverish unconsciousness. Dream of meeting girls in Greenwich.