Cop Out

Wake, embarrassed, at 12pm. Uncertainty as to why self up and around flat so late on in day solved when arrival at desk reveals duo of wine bottles next to pile of foreign DVDs. Memories of two for £5.50 offer at local off license bubble in memory. Some sort of punishment necessary. Self recently downloaded Kevin Smith directed (but not scribed) Bruce Willis/Tracy Morgan buddy cop film Cop Out. Self did so in spite of abominable reviews because self has seen every other Kevin Smith film and self possesses completist streak. Zack and Miri Make a Porno digested smoothly without close attention (self needs to complete The Rebound review), so new film presumably similar.

Begin writing third paragraph of review and begin film. Film terrible. Film terrible to extent of being distraction. Film so terrible that self considering for first time since Clerks 2 aborting screening prematurely. But self needs punishment. Screening of Cop Out develops into ritualistic self harm ceremony. Fortunately, flat empty. About to strip naked and light candles and open bottle of flatmate Johnny rum and place lit candle purposefully close to flammable curtain until Kevin Pollak appears. Self loves Kevin Pollak. Kevin Pollak impressive in The Usual Suspects and bewitching as Tom Cruise sidekick in A Few Good Men. Kevin Pollak impression of Christopher Walken reason enough to live. Decide to carry on existence and continue writing The Rebound review.

Realisation that Kevin Pollak whoring himself out troubling. Film continues to be terrible. Film could well be worst of Bruce Willis career. Bruce Willis usually good at being detective. Bruce Willis detective/army member in Die Hard quadrilogy, The Last Boy Scout, Striking Distance, Mercury Rising, The Siege, Hart's War, Tears of the Sun, Hostage, Sin City, 16 Blocks and Planet Terror. Self feels that skills learnt from playing roles would enable Bruce Willis to sniff out abomination of script when abomination of script suggested to Bruce Willis by agent. Then self remembers Surrogates. But even Surrogates better than Cop Out. No explanation possible. Self decides to light more candles and place all candles next to flammable curtain. Until Jason Lee appears. Jason Lee usually reliable. Jason Lee previously in charming indie Mumford. Ted Danson also in Mumford. Coincidental, as in town of Mumford, everybody knows your name. Wish self was watching Mumford. Surely Jason Lee incapable of turning in sub-par performance just to please old pal Kevin Smith given that Kevin Smith didn't write film. Bruce Willis and Jason Lee engage in act-off. Both lose. Self wrong about Jason Lee. Jason Lee treacherous whore. Self reaches for lighter fluid that self borrowed from flatmate Tom. Plans to take life and flat down in Toy Story 3-esc inferno delayed as self must finish The Rebound review.

Plot seems to have been taken to police firing range given number of holes in it. Despite seeing all Bruce Willis detective films, self can't utilise skills to suss out evidence of Kevin Smith directing Cop Out. Apart from penis humour. Decide to take break by checking Facebook. Flatmate Tom has written on self Facebook wall complaining that Toy Story 2/Ratatouille/Toy Story 3 post gave away ending of Toy Story 3. Flatmate Tom fortunate as flatmate Tom likes Bruce Willis (hence liable to watch Cop Out at some point) and self can't even offer plot synopsis let alone spoiler for Cop Out as Cop Out cinematic equivalent of listening to song on mute.

Manage to avoid suicide by flaming curtain as film ends at same time as review for The Rebound. Feel like self would have died hard. Decide to continue life (however pointless that may be given debasement of Willis, Lee and Smith), extinguish candles, and ride two-wheeled bicycle to work. Feel as if Cop Out would have been more appreciated if self had procured two for £5.50 deal beforehand. Feel as if all involved responsible for their own type of cop outs.