Notification of Transition

Wake at 9am after night of drinking with non-flatmates soon-to-be-wed friends Johnny and Laurel. Self considers what to watch before eating breakfast and applying for minimum wage job at Cyber Candy. Options include Tom Cruise back catalogue, Jeff Goldblum back catalogue, and Spike Jonze directed IKEA advert. Self decides Never Mind the Buzzcocks best option as self fond of Simon Amstell.

Mind liable to drift into other considerations when watching continuous episodes of television programme and self remembers feedback on blog over last two and half months. Readers of blog, including self mother, annoyed at inability to follow blog unless member of blogger. Self has often been annoyed with Blogger service for many weeks, and has considered betrayal in favour of WordPress.

Self unwilling to transfer blog as self wanting continuity, and if self betrays Blogger, self has to start again, providing mere link back to old Blogger blog. Self has better idea. Self decides on systematic transferral of all previous blog posts to new WordPress blog as research into WordPress interface reveals allowance of user editing of date of post, giving unknowing reader impression self always blogged on WordPress!

Self can also redraft sub-par blog posts with attempts at fresh humour. Self can also insert tone self has in blog now into old posts where tone different. Benefits of betrayal abound.

Thus, there will be no more josh in reel life on Blogger but lots more josh in reel life on WordPress.

Self unlikely to watch films for while anyway as Simon Amstell looking at self on YouTube video window.

Self says bye bye to blog readers for while and bye bye to Blogger forever.

Self says hello to new blog at: http://joshinreellife.wordpress.com/

Knight and Day

Wake at 11am after (day of light) and night of heaving drinking with non-flatmate workmate Lydia and non-flatmate old friend Jimmy at hallowed tavern on Strand. Evening culminated in reading of play self amalgamated from pre-existing Harold Pinter plays drawn from tome Harold Pinter Plays 4 with view of performing play with flatmate Tom, but production plan progress limited by flatmate Tom refusal to communicate with self from original homestead in Devon through social networking site. Self considers replacing flatmate Tom with non-flatmate Jimmy but self doesn't want to commit to notion as self drunk.

Date with non-flatamte workmate friend-in-real-and-reel-life Valentina later on to take in recent Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz release (ingeniously titled Knight and Day) means self has limited time to watch series twenty-two of BBC television programme Never Mind the Buzzcocks hosted by Simon Amstell. Self has developed previously-minor-but-now-advancing-towards-obsessive interest in Simon Amstell. Newfound idolisation debilitating for blog as self has three series of television programme to catch-up on so little-to-no time to watch films.

Self only willing to leave laptop and constant You Tubing of Simon Amstell face because Knight and Day features Tom Cruise face. Simon Amstell love still in infancy whereas Tom Cruise love solidified like non-clonal Great Basin Bristlecone Californian pine tree. Self has seen all Tom Cruise releases, with exception of Taps, which self has avoided watching as fearful that Taps as disappointing as Legend. 


With sky hue of vanilla, self takes on risky business of strolling through London free of influence of alcohol, as self wants to drink up cinematic Cruise portrait without blur of cider. Self makes all the right moves, avoiding upwards of ten off licenses, and completes almost impossible mission to far and away Leicester Square. Self considers cocktail, but keeps eyes wide shut when passing wealth of cocktail bars in Covent Garden. Self early, so self decides to purchase Betty Boop lighter from old man in China Town. Using pound coin as collateral, self enquires as to price of flame creator. Experience akin to interview with vampire as shopkeep has appearance of world's last samurai. Self feels like lamb in front of lion, but remains firm, handing over colour of money, and leaving, passing few good men on way back to Leicester Square. Self attempts to light cigarette, but passer-by comments, "It's beginning to rain, man." Self believes analysis of weather without credit, as magnolias blooming feverishly under sun in Leicester Square square-shaped garden.

Before long, friend-outside-of-work Valentina arrives and together we enter cinema. Self excited as much as when self and non-flatmate Valentina watched Iron Man 2. Self can't stop talking. Cinema staff visibly amused by self homosexual desire for Tom Cruise. Self annoyed that Tom Cruise shares forename with flatmate Tom as self has no physical attraction towards flatmate Tom whatsoever (except when flatmate Tom does hair in certain way). If self had to list objects of desire mentioned thus far in blog entry in terms of love, which self does as self enjoys creating opportunities for humiliation, list would be as follows (in list form):

1. Tom Cruise
2. Simon Amstell
3. Cameron Diaz
4. Flatmate Tom

Annoyance furthered when it becomes clear lazy cinema ushers have seated all audience members in large clump in centre of stalls to avoid cleaning up. Complaints met with dismissal. Complaints voiced to other audience members met with agreement. Self decides vengeance in form of popcorn spillage totally fair. Lights dim and magic begins.

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!
kiss kiss... BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!
WHOOSH!
BANG BANG BANG!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAGGGHHH!!!
BANG! BANG! (kiss)
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BULLS ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Kiss. Kiss.)
VROOOOOOOOOOM!

Self leaves cinema in daze. Disorientation reaches height when self mistakes majority of passers-by for Simon Amstell. Feel as if self raped by Tom Cruise. Valentina tries to induce calm by notifying self that Tom Cruise to appear in Tom Cruise family life based reality show. News only makes self more flustered. Panic continues in workplace. Valentina attempts different method by mentioning that Simon Amstell appearing in Simon Amstell fictional family life based sitcom. News sends self into spiral of lunacy which ends only when self self-administers nine ciders whilst watching far less BANG BANG BANG Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Self barely makes it through night and following day.

Kick Ass

Following numbing experience offered by The Joneses, decide that self due film viewing that self knows congenial in advance. Load Jonathan-Ross-wife-scripted presumably jolly film Kick Ass onto VLC player. Create elaborate chicken/ham/tomato/cucumber/olive/lettuce/spinach/cheese/oregano/salt salad and enjoy by-now-well-known underdog plot of kid deciding to become vigilante superhero, including shockingly graphic (given preconceptions regarding film) stab-and-hit-by-car sequence and young-girl-who's-also-vigilante-and-daughter-of-ex-cop-now-vigilante-Nicolas-Cage saying "Cunts." 


Film not as limitedly "jolly" as thought. Mid-way through film find self lacking of time and visit shop to purchase replacement cider for flatmate Johnny and make way to work. During journey, decide to make attempt to fight crime whenever possible in fashion of titular hero of film Kick Ass - as self has special power Kick Ass lacking (self is fat) - but crime on streets of Southwark relatively sparse. During work hours, receive two texts on portable communication device - one from flatmate Johnny, one from non-flatmate German friend Anke - requesting presence of self to watch films. Self frantic with excitement at prospect of finally fulfilling dreams of flatmate Johnny/Gerard Butler date night which self has mentioned in recent blog entries (especially since flatmate Johnny jetting to Frankfurt following morning), as well as concordant excitement with prospect of what self could do with non-flatmate German friend Anke, which self can do with flatmate Johnny but without flatmate Johnny agreement, besides watching film. Tragedy takes grip of life as text messages received after self has already agreed with non-flatmate current workmate Valentina that self will trek to original homestead in Walthamstow to collect pre-purchased gift for non-flatmate fellow workmate Gianluca. Self expounds dilemma to flatmate Johnny and non-flatmate Anke and begins voyage to late-childhood home. On way, self meets flatmate Johnny anyway, so self ridded of guilt.


Continued observance of potential crime fighting opportunities reaches apex when self uses public waterhouse for reasonable sum of 20p and embarks on clean up operation. Likelihood of crime fighting circumstances in Hackney higher than in Southwark, but self several ciders in hole so self decides bus home better option.


Self too drunk to watch separate interval film so enter sleep coma in parents bed. Wake at 6.30am, steal Kenneth Anger elusive-but-at-time-notorious follow-up to Hollywood Babylon book Hollywood Babylon II and return to Southwark. Now guilty of committing more crime that self preventing. Self too bleary eyed to care. Self decides against continuing renegade lifestyle of theft and libertarianism and looks for crime on subterranean transport system, but rush hour crowd mostly sleepy so self out of work. 


Flatmate Johnny on way out of door when self returns to flat. Well wishing occurs before self settles on balcony to close out rest of Kick Ass and update blog. Film directed by Matthew Vaughn. Self fan of Matthew Vaughn. Self enjoyed Layer Cake, avoided Stardust, and will make genuine effort to watch 2012 release of Kick Ass 2: Balls to the Wall in cinema. Self particularly fond of Matthew Vaughn use of non-diegetic sound. Self does not use enough non-diegetic sound in real life - besides from repeat listening of Saturday Night by Whigfield (lyrics available below).


Discovery of sequel before watching end of Kick Ass pisses self off as ending prostitutes film as sequel fodder. However, self not too pissed off as film as good as everyone says. Nicolas Cage not amazing as self heard, although Nicolas Cage (purpose-achieved) comical when in suit as superhero Big Daddy. All told, thoroughly enjoyable experience. Self will continue to keep eye open for threats against humanity, even though self terrible at kicking ass. Self once tried to throw down to group of children on way home to gangland Walthamstow after children requested cigarette from self, but self ended up in similar position to henchmen who try to throw down to little girl in film. Decide to stick to what self knows best: superhuman capacity for drinking and typing blog. Self decides to listen to favoured song whilst doing so. Favoured song by Whigfield. 


Lyrics to Saturday Night by Whigfield


Dee Dee na na na

Saturday night, I feel the air
Is getting hot
Like you baby
I'll make you mine you know
I'll take you to the top
I'll drive you crazy
Saturday night, dance, I like
The way you move
Pretty baby
It's party time and not one
Minute we can lose
Be my baby

Da ba da dan dee dee dee da
Nee na na na - be my baby
Da ba da dan dee dee dee da
Nee na na na - Pretty baby x2

Saturday night, I feel the air
Is getting hot
Like you baby
I'll make you mine you know
I'll take you to the top
I'll drive you crazy
Saturday night, dance, I like
The way you move
Pretty baby
It's party time and not one
Minute we can lose
Be my baby

Da ba da dan dee dee dee da
Nee na na na - be my baby
Da ba da dan dee dee dee da
Nee na na na - be my baby

Saturday night, I feel the air
Is getting hot (saturday)
Like you baby (saturday)
I'll make you mine you know
I'll take you to the top(saturday)
I'll drive you crazy(saturday)
Saturday night, dance, I like
The way you move
pretty baby
It's party time and not one
Minute we can lose
be my baby (ohh ohh)

its party time ohh..
its party time ohh.....
be my baby

saturday
saturday
ohh...
saturday night
saturday night
ohh... x2

Da ba da dan dee dee dee da
Nee na na na
Saturday night x2
ohh...
Da ba da dan dee dee dee da
Nee na na na
Saturday night x2

Dee Dee na na na 

The Joneses

Wake at 10.30am to rave ringtone cranking out of mobile communication device. Ignore and return to state of slumber as device too far away from bed. Wake at 11.30am and return missed call from flatmate Johnny. Hopeful that flatmate Johnny interested in date night. Flatmate Johnny not interested in date night. Flatmate Johnny selfishly requests passport information, which self initially refuses as self does not want flatmate Johnny to go to SummerSlam. Flatmate Johnny instead needs information for purposes of weekend trip to Frankfurt. Self has seen Frankfurt so gives flatmate Johnny details.

Initiate routine and clean up debris from previous night date night with Date Night. Decide that self in mood to watch new film, something family oriented following previous night enjoyment of Steve Carell/Tina Fey release. Due to ongoing interest in David Duchovny, self has downloaded belittled domestic-film-about-commercialism The Joneses. Self wary of film as films based on popular phrases often unpopular. Although, self bared with Did You Hear About the Morgans? on basis of Hugh Grant alone, so self feels David Duchovny capable of shouldering burden of low quality if required.

Film concept interesting: David Duchonvy/Demi Moore (urgh) are fake husband/wife sent by organisation with lots of clients to wealthy neighbourhood to show off cool possessions so that well-off friends copy them and buy same items. David Duchovny exuding customary charm self enjoys in Californication, Season Two of which self bought in HMV for reasonable £13.93. Demi Moore exuding usual anticharm which self had to endure whilst watching Mr Brooks (because of involvement of Kevin Costner) which self father purchased last year in Blockbuster for even more reasonable £4.

Whilst watching film embrace soullessness on unprecedented scale, self begins itching for pair of Converse with Padded Collar (FootLocker, £54.99) to go with recently purchased slim cut pale blue jeans (H&M, £29.99). Self originally supposed to acquire trainer or equivalent last Wednesday, when self accompanied self parents on shopping spree in advisory capacity. Self father like David Duchovny character, but with real job. Self father toured shopping centre in Enfield with flamboyance akin to Elton John, purchasing iPhone 4 64GB (Vodafone, £219), iPad with Wifi and 3G (PC World, £699), and complete Virgin Media TV/Internet/Phone package (Virgin Media Store, £66/month).

David Duchovny would be jealous as David Duchovny does not have iPad with Wifi and 3G (PC World, £699), but David Duchovny does have everything else. David Duchovny neighbour not as rich and grows jealous of David Duchovny lifestyle. David Duchovny fed up of loveless existence and comes close to revealing secret to neighbour but Demi Moore stops him.

Self takes break from film to shower and straighten hair with Argos Value Range Aluminium Plate Hair Straightener (Argos, £4.84), which self was forced to buy after flatmate Tom took his own Argos Value Range Aluminium Plate Hair Straightener (Argos, £4.84) with him on holiday. Self returns to 13-inch 2.4GHz MacBook Pro (Apple Store, £999) and closes out film. Overlong montage reveals that David Duchovny not only one feeling pangs of isolation in commercialistic life and family splits. For reasons unbeknownst to self, David Duchovny decides to stay with Godzilla-creature-married-to-Ashton-Kutcher Demi Moore and drive to Arizona.

Film unrewarding, but acceptable, as it is in no way difficult to keep up with The Joneses. Self surprised by quotes on poster earmarking film as relevant for current times, given world in recession and self poor. Self buys most items in life from corner shop for less than £5. Life cheap. Self discontent with continually having to live vicariously through David Duchovny and flatmate Johnny. Watching film bad decision as self now sad. Self doesn't even want date night now.

Date Night

Return from work on two wheeled bicycle at 9.30pm. Indefinite plans formulated with flatmate Johnny over text messaging service leave self half prepared for screening of recent Gerard Butler comedy The Bounty Hunter. Self back in groove of blogging after The Bad Lieutenant so looking forward to sharing attempted witticisms with flatmate Johnny during screening. Flatmate Johnny returns to flat tired and needing to do writing for work, so screening set back to later date. Undeterred, self visits shop for supplies and returns with view to watch Steve Carell/Tina Fey action comedy Date Night. Flatmate Johnny requests permission to sit on bed with new laptop, so self has audience, which self enjoys.

Having only seen poster for Carell/Fey product, self prepared for Get Smartesc action experience as posters for two films borderline homogenous:

Fear sparks in soul when Mark Wahlberg name appears in credit sequence. Mark Wahlberg in The Happening. Self need not say more. Self pauses film on VLC player to alert flatmate Johnny that he may wish to leave room. Flatmate Johnny busy planning trip to Frankfurt. Flatmate Johnny busy planning trip to SummerSlam. Flatmate Johnny still wearing glum face. Self suspicious that flatmate Johnny only in room to bully self. If abuse continues, self will not be taking flatmate Johnny on date night any time soon. Except to watch The Bounty Hunter, although self will consider screening as date with Gerard Butler rather than flatmate Johnny.

Beginning of film suggests self in for domestic comedy experience rather than exploding trains. Fine by self as Steve Carell/Tina Fey cute couple. Mark Wahlberg fear settled by arrival of better Mark, Mark Ruffalo. Mark Rufallo sad about upcoming divorce. Steve Carell now concerned with own marriage. Mark Rufallo much happier in Just Like Heaven. Self liked Just Like Heaven. Self father thought Just Like Heaven silly. Self will not be taking self father on date night any time soon, except to watch Me and Orson Welles, as self father obsessed with Orson Welles, although self will consider screening as date with Zac Efron rather than self father.

Carell/Fey go out for special dinner in city as marriage mouldy. Carell/Fey unfortunately mistaken for James Franco and girl who voices daughter in Family Guy and evil cop duo threaten to kill them unless Carell/Fey give them flash drive. Action begins. Ray Liotta appears. Self wonders why top dog baddies always have dinner on their own at small table surrounded by henchmen.

Now that Ray Liotta angry Carell/Fey in big trouble. Only solution visit to Mark Wahlberg. Marky Mark not wearing top. Self pleased as Marky Mark hardly ever took off top in earlier viewing of Invincible even though Marky Mark body well toned. Marky Mark not American football stat anymore but secret service freelancer with wealth of technology in apartment. Very useful for Carell/Fey. Marky Mark involvement in intelligence oxymoronic. Fey flirting with Marky Mark (who can blame her: he can speak Israeli and has hardbody Israeli girlfriend who wants to "make the sex" with Carell/Fey) and Carell saddened. Carell/Fey have to ask questions about their relationship and revelatory home truths discussed. Feel as if film coupling domestic comedy and action genres adeptly. Flatmate Johnny, still in room completing online Guardian crosswords, pipes up with "This would make an awful radio play." Comment valueless as Date Night not radio play.

Steve Carell character just like character in Get Smart but character has gotten smarter. Date Night quite sweet although suffers from lack of further involvement from Mark Ruffalo. Carell/Fey non odd couple. Self surprised to find self tearing up at end. Self can't explain emotional response as self has only had two bottles of wine and one stolen cider formerly belonging to flatmate Johnny. Self jealous of action-packed adventurous fun on Carell/Fey date as self dates don't involve guns. Self dates usually include chicken, beers, flatmate Johnny and Gerard Butler. Decide self dates just like heaven.

The Bad Lieutenant

Wake at 10.30am and realise that it has been week since last confessional blog entry. In spite of roller coaster weekend featuring perverse hotel hijinks, drunken games of rounders and ninety minute walk along London Cycle Superhighway number seven, self still found time to watch Australia with non-flatmates life-giving parents and take in follow-up-feature-based-on-Hugh-Jackman-obsession screening of early-Wolverine-outing-hacker-film Swordfish. Unable to blog about former film as even though film in high definition, self too fat with kebab to keep eyes open for very long. Unable to blog about latter film as even though film not in high definition and self not fat with kebab, self too trashed on cider to recollect emotional response.

Initiate routine in newly cleaned kitchen. Wonder why kitchen so clean. Realise self made agreement with flatmate Johnny that if flatmate Johnny cleaned kitchen self would clean bathroom. Self obviously tipsy when deal struck but self devoid of excuses as flat empty as flatmate Johnny at work and flatmate Tom AWL in countryside to pen dissertation. Self wishes self had dissertation to write. Self instead has completely free day. Self aborts routine as cleaning body pointless in light of state of bathroom. Self strips down to essentials and initiates onslaught. 

Requiring break from quiet licking of year worth of self and flatmate pubis from bathroom floor, self returns to room for cigarette and episode two of Mad Men Season Four. In previous blog posts, self has noted vague interest in fonts. Knowing that typeface Helvetica should have been invented at current point in 60s-based-show-about-advertising-men, self has been keeping keen eye on decor of advertising offices featured in programme. Best orgasm of life occurs when self carries out textual analysis of every single frame of show and discovers this:

(REALISE WHEN REVIEWING BLOG POST THAT EFFECT OF PICTURE ONLY RELEVANT IF CLICKED ON TO VIEW IN FULL SIZE.)

Choking on cigarette solved by leaving room, entering bathroom and gulping down shot of domestic bleach. Calmed, self closes out episode thoroughly impressed. 

After relentless scouring of doo-doo detritus on inner rim of toilet bowl, self deserving of longer lunch-based break. Self decides upon new non-Harvey-Keitel-starring Werner Herzog/Nicolas Cage endeavour The Bad Lieutenant. Original screening of film failed as non-flatmate old friend James fell asleep. Non-flatmate James now in Swindon so self feels watching film not betrayal. 

As film progresses, can't help but feel as if titular adjective "bad" doesn't quite cover corruption of Nicolas Cage's Lieutenant. Nicolas Cage does crack. Nicolas Cage does coke CONSTANTLY. Nicolas Cage does heroin... wait... that was accident, Nicolas Cage thought heroin was coke. Nicolas Cage does coke to counter balance effect of heroin. Nicolas Cage has prostitute girlfriend. Nicolas Cage pimp as well as detective. Nicolas Cage willing to stop at nothing (truly, no thing whatsoever) to capture murderer. Nicolas Cage even willing to tell murderer where drug busts occurring. Nicolas Cage willing to do crack with murderer. Nicolas Cage doing drug deals with murderer. Nicolas Cage potentially losing plot due to too much crack. Nicolas Cage even willing to let murderer smoke crack from Nicolas Cage lucky crack pipe. Wait, Nicolas Cage brilliantly misleading murder to plant DNA evidence to frame murderer. But frame-up fine as murderer guilty.

Nicolas Cage off rails worse than in Leaving Las Vegas. Nicolas Cage likes to do good acting in films about addiction. No different in The Bad Lieutenant. Nicolas Cage almost making up for Bangkok Dangerous. Not quite making up for The Wicker Man. 

Pleased to see Val Kilmer looking thinner since Deja Vu. Hurried scroll through Val Kilmer filmography reveals Val Kilmer fond of appearing in films self has never heard of. Val Kilmer potentially responsible for self viewing habits for next month. Val Kilmer wants to stop Nicolas Cage arresting murderer at end of film. Val Kilmer jealous of Nicolas Cage career and so trying to be worse lieutenant. Nicolas Cage not happy. Potential straight-to-DVD spin off for Val Kilmer: From Bad to Worse Lieutenant.

Film ends with bad lieutenant being promoted to bad captain. Nicolas Cage apparently sober. Self annoyed. Nicolas Cage runs down club goers for hit of crack. Self relieved and impressed. Self feels dirtier than flat bathroom. Fear for self health as self easily influenced by Nicolas Cage. Can't afford coke. Can afford cider. Cider depressant. Self more likely to become sad lieutenant.