Helvetica

Wake at 9am when alarm clock tin-rattle disturbs bizarre dream about self's Facebook profile. Flatmate Johnny enters room and insists self arise but effects of 50mg of Sleep Aid still pressuring brain. Lull in bed and muse over previous evening. Stayed hour later than usual at work again causing self to miss date with old friend Tim. Two wheel bicycle not with self (due to date) so walked home and experimented with Carlsberg Special Brew. Self scared that ideas came flooding into mind with each bitter sip and hurry home to use laptop to record newfound notions.


Eventually force self to move at 11am and type up Greenberg blog entry. Rain pattering on ground outside window so abort plan to visit Roman Cieslewicz exhibition at Royal College of Art. Instead, inevitably, watch Helvetica. Self well aware that self only watching font film again so self can blog about it. Self embarrassed by gross over-promotion of Gary Hustwit. Self can't help it. Self hasn't been as addicted to something since last relationship. Self initialised courting of Hustwit via an email after watching Objectified in hope of starting replacement relationship. 0 unread messages in inbox.


Initially quizzical as Helvetica font described as font that is like gravity. Don't see how this possible. Ignore surreal introduction self had forgotten since last screening of film and make pork/spinach/lettuce/cucumber/cheese sandwich as catalyst to enjoyment. Self practically has hand in jeans when designer says that importance of typefaces is not letters themselves but space between them. Decide that self liable to be overly influenced by statement.




























Designer also says that designers exist to fight ugliness that is all around. Helvetica helps as very clear and can be used to say anything. Dog. Love. Cucumber. Self realises that blog set to Trebuchet font so perhaps "dog" not coming off with intended clarity. Dog. DOG. Dog. Self finds difference slim at best but then self not designer so self should shut up.


English design writer introduces history of modern fonts. Modern fonts exist because of designers' desire to rebuild following mess of second world war. High modernism pushed by Swiss people towards end of 1950s. Star of Hustwit film born in 1957 in Swiss town of Munchenstein. Another English person, a typographer, has book with original type specimen of Helvetica. Original name for Helvetica revealed as Die Neue Haas Grotesk. Name unappealing to American companies (Grotesk = grotesque) so name changed to variation of Latin translation of "Switzerland": Helvetica. 


Helvetica cool because Helvetica does not have "serifs" which self believes are feet and hats: 
H 
Helvetica does not have feet or hats: 
H


Helvetica arrives in America in 1960s and organises mass corporate advertising shift. Self wonders why this is yet to happen on Mad Men. Demonstration of Helvetica influence shown in two Coca-cola advertisements:

Importance of Helvetica demonstrated principally by American use of font on side of rocket ships. For self, Helvetica influence shown most of all on self's family's first iMac, on which Helvetica was default option. Self hated Helvetica. Self has learnt error of childish ways. 


Uh oh. Balding German designer hates Helvetica! GerMAN says letters too close together and look too similar. GerMAN prefers his own typefaces. In 1991 GerMAN made font called Meta. Self LOVES meta-things: Metatheatre. Metafilm. Metaphor. Self researches font. Self unimpressed. Only letter vaguely exciting in GerMAN's font is lowercase 'g'.

Now half way through film and 1970s reactionaries are angry about Helvetica's dominance. Everyone wants to design things with hands. All text becomes handwritten. Album covers big influence. One designer takes things too far and carves information all over upper body. 1980s begin and grunge style takes over. Information close to being entirely illegible. 

One naughty designer who didn’t know what modernism was when he started career starts magazine. Magazine experimental. Designer decides that boring interview with Bryan Ferry should be put in magazine entirely in Zapf Dingbats. Things in design world surely getting out of hand.

Eventually everyone sobers up and return to Helvetica but with widened perspective. Designer offers advice to all non-designers who undertake custom made poster design: Use Helvetica Bold in one size for all information and the poster will always look good.

Self will heed advice if ever required to design poster. Instead, self only required to leave for work. Self fears crashing bicycle by staring at shop signs. Self now obsessed with spreading word in design world. Self too old to go to Central Saint Martin's to study typography. Mean BFI's refusal to respond to self's job application for Marketing Assistant hurts more. Perhaps should have filled in application in Helvetica Bold.