Lament lack of new emails occupying inbox and look for consolation in shocker Triangle that if remembered correctly from reviews contains tumultuous twists. Find female lead sympathetic wrongly for sole reason of sharing namesake with ex-girlfriend-pig Jess. Find self distracted by every mention of name by other characters. Decide to force quit VLC player. Inebriation monster (otherwise known as titular Harvey, or Jack London's titular lifelong sidekick John Barleycorn) rears head and now fear numerous plot shifts will confuse and scare. However, enjoyment of modernistic one sheet leads self to believe Triangle will be revisited when more confident about romantic life. Opt instead for Paul Bettany playing angel in Legion.
Know in advance Legion likely to be ridiculous as poster expects audience to believe Bettany capable of six-pack. Excitement as opening voiceover can be inferred as suggesting end of world. Drunk blogger remembers intensity of The Road. Excitement dies as thought process then triggers memory of The Book of Eli. Realise that pre-blog experience of apocalyptic visions of Earth mixed at best. Optimistic when pale Bettany appears bathing in moonlight although worry about self-flagulation-based-stereotyping of Bettany when Bettany cuts off angel wings. Fail to understand why Bettany collecting guns. Fear film more difficult to understand than Triangle. Decide second can of White Ace more more more than enough and give up. 
Notice immediately that film centred around Kevin in domestic environment. Think back to Mr Brooks and suspicious that recent Kevin film content all based around domestic drama with additional edge. Understand deviation in sports-based film career as Kevin older and heavier. Attempt to remember sports-based career as interminable credit sequence unfolds: Tin Cup - Golf, American Flyers - Cycling (!), Bull Durham/Field of Dreams/For Love of the Game - Baseball, Sizzle Beach - Sex. Reflect; debate to self whether gun-toting in Westerns counts as blood sport. Decide Westerns count as genre.
Enjoy well-shot nature of domesticity without forced drama until night time shot subtly reveals inhuman monster scuttling across Kevin's new house's roof whilst daughter looks out of window. Do not remember seeing Andy Serkis named in credits.
Difficult to dislike film for opening hour as slow burning, nice to look at and impossible to work out what's going on with Kevin's daughter who is undergoing "changes." Things take turn towards tawdry when Kevin brandishes shotgun and starts eliminating forest fairies-cum-ancient-American-Indian-Gods. Plot ultimately metaphor for daughter starting period. Results in fairy-ant-species trying to use her as Queen ant by eating her from inside out to repopulate species. Would have preferred film without inclusion of Gollum's extended family as Kevin capable of holding down domestic drama as milky eyes are so easy to sympathise with. Impressed by non-happy-ending but find self dumbfounded by misleading tag-line: "How far will a father go to protect the ones he loves?" Find self able to answer question: "Not anywhere near far enough" as by end of film daughter dead and son about to be eaten. Also dumbfounded by Hollywood financing and worry that Kevin secretly self-funded surreal film to remind people he still exists.
Complete film sober and now with confidence regarding own domestic upheaval as flat lease runs out at end of month. Thoughts of moving into two bedroom house now hassled by fear of Gollum lurking on roof. Decide to look solely for flats on bottom floor of larger complexes.
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