The Rebound

Wake at 7.50am and find that self not as hungover as anticipated. Self was fairly drunk during previous evening following performance of Sondheim irregularity Assassins at The Union Theatre featuring non-flatmate ex-workmate current-performer Anthony. Mild drunkeness brought on by single vodka diet coke as self had eaten only handful of peanuts and piece of roll all day.

Initiate routine and include trip to nearby cafe to pick up two bacon rolls, one for self, one for flatmate Johnny, as thank you present for lending self £40 after self idiotically left wallet in workplace locker. Set off on two wheel bicycle to Twentieth Century Fox building on edge of Soho Square. Self nervous as usual treatment by staff at such events equivalent to treatment of clamp inventor on Top Gear. Self also fearful of boredom as film that self present to watch, The Rebound, includes performance by Catherine Zeta-Jones, who self detests as married to Michael Douglas who self detests, and appeared in lifeless gives-bad-name-to-rom-coms film No Reservations, which self detests.

Feeling mutual as mouthy critic nearby says to employee that boiling temperature of screening room fine as it will make it easier to sleep. Feel as if critic's forecasting of quality of film reflects general mood of room as everyone looking glum and wry smiles indicate critics are pre-planning sarcastic remarks to include later in reviews.

Self glances over programme notes and learns that writer/director of film Bart Freundlich directed David Duchovny film Trust the Man that self liked as self opposite-of-detests David Duchovny. Hope rises.

Hope sinks straight away as CZJ given too much screentime. CZJ husband cheating on her. She finds out. Moves to New York. Gets babysitter in form of new-favourite-male-star-except-for-Ryan-Reynolds Justin Bartha. Self begins to experience minor enjoyment of film but only when Justin Bartha onscreen. Nearby critic varies in opinion as Justin Bartha present onscreen when critic collects bag and leaves.

Justin Bartha decides to reject high paid business career and work as CZJ manny instead. Find self relating to emasculative nature of Justin Bartha's character. Self also relates to agism of CJZ towards Justin Bartha when considering relationship with him as self youngest person in screening room by twenty years.

One hour in and self utterly gripped. Laugh as often as possible as laughter infectious and self wants to fool critics in room into writing more positive reviews than the pre-film banter suggested they will.

Was originally annoyed by CZJ milky eyes, but now self liable to cry if things work out badly. Surely Justin Bartha not just rebound. Surely CZJ capable of loving him. Self usually hates notion of significant age gaps in relationships but now self convinced that there can be romantic reconciliation. Justin Bartha even more upset than self and goes travelling world for five years. Writer/director Bart potentially drawing from real life as made film nine years earlier called World Traveler.

Film ends with heart-rending coincidental meeting. Ellipsis used rather than certain ending which is reflective of thoughtful, subtle, touching work. Self's eyes start watering regardless of lack of sad ending and embarrassment takes sway and self slides deeper into chair. Self thankful that no one else on row of seats. Film should not have been marketed like generic romance shlock as film cleverer than that. Self no longer detests CZJ. Decide, at least until self watches another film, that self will take note from feminine Justin Bartha character and be nice to people. Buy card for flatmate Johnny and give flatmate Tom can of beer. Sit on flat balcony and consider self's options regarding continued rebound following what is now almost Jurassic relationship. Justin Bartha leaps to mind. Ryan Reynolds joins him.