The Joneses

Wake at 10.30am to rave ringtone cranking out of mobile communication device. Ignore and return to state of slumber as device too far away from bed. Wake at 11.30am and return missed call from flatmate Johnny. Hopeful that flatmate Johnny interested in date night. Flatmate Johnny not interested in date night. Flatmate Johnny selfishly requests passport information, which self initially refuses as self does not want flatmate Johnny to go to SummerSlam. Flatmate Johnny instead needs information for purposes of weekend trip to Frankfurt. Self has seen Frankfurt so gives flatmate Johnny details.

Initiate routine and clean up debris from previous night date night with Date Night. Decide that self in mood to watch new film, something family oriented following previous night enjoyment of Steve Carell/Tina Fey release. Due to ongoing interest in David Duchovny, self has downloaded belittled domestic-film-about-commercialism The Joneses. Self wary of film as films based on popular phrases often unpopular. Although, self bared with Did You Hear About the Morgans? on basis of Hugh Grant alone, so self feels David Duchovny capable of shouldering burden of low quality if required.

Film concept interesting: David Duchonvy/Demi Moore (urgh) are fake husband/wife sent by organisation with lots of clients to wealthy neighbourhood to show off cool possessions so that well-off friends copy them and buy same items. David Duchovny exuding customary charm self enjoys in Californication, Season Two of which self bought in HMV for reasonable £13.93. Demi Moore exuding usual anticharm which self had to endure whilst watching Mr Brooks (because of involvement of Kevin Costner) which self father purchased last year in Blockbuster for even more reasonable £4.

Whilst watching film embrace soullessness on unprecedented scale, self begins itching for pair of Converse with Padded Collar (FootLocker, £54.99) to go with recently purchased slim cut pale blue jeans (H&M, £29.99). Self originally supposed to acquire trainer or equivalent last Wednesday, when self accompanied self parents on shopping spree in advisory capacity. Self father like David Duchovny character, but with real job. Self father toured shopping centre in Enfield with flamboyance akin to Elton John, purchasing iPhone 4 64GB (Vodafone, £219), iPad with Wifi and 3G (PC World, £699), and complete Virgin Media TV/Internet/Phone package (Virgin Media Store, £66/month).

David Duchovny would be jealous as David Duchovny does not have iPad with Wifi and 3G (PC World, £699), but David Duchovny does have everything else. David Duchovny neighbour not as rich and grows jealous of David Duchovny lifestyle. David Duchovny fed up of loveless existence and comes close to revealing secret to neighbour but Demi Moore stops him.

Self takes break from film to shower and straighten hair with Argos Value Range Aluminium Plate Hair Straightener (Argos, £4.84), which self was forced to buy after flatmate Tom took his own Argos Value Range Aluminium Plate Hair Straightener (Argos, £4.84) with him on holiday. Self returns to 13-inch 2.4GHz MacBook Pro (Apple Store, £999) and closes out film. Overlong montage reveals that David Duchovny not only one feeling pangs of isolation in commercialistic life and family splits. For reasons unbeknownst to self, David Duchovny decides to stay with Godzilla-creature-married-to-Ashton-Kutcher Demi Moore and drive to Arizona.

Film unrewarding, but acceptable, as it is in no way difficult to keep up with The Joneses. Self surprised by quotes on poster earmarking film as relevant for current times, given world in recession and self poor. Self buys most items in life from corner shop for less than £5. Life cheap. Self discontent with continually having to live vicariously through David Duchovny and flatmate Johnny. Watching film bad decision as self now sad. Self doesn't even want date night now.