Notification of Transition

Wake at 9am after night of drinking with non-flatmates soon-to-be-wed friends Johnny and Laurel. Self considers what to watch before eating breakfast and applying for minimum wage job at Cyber Candy. Options include Tom Cruise back catalogue, Jeff Goldblum back catalogue, and Spike Jonze directed IKEA advert. Self decides Never Mind the Buzzcocks best option as self fond of Simon Amstell.

Mind liable to drift into other considerations when watching continuous episodes of television programme and self remembers feedback on blog over last two and half months. Readers of blog, including self mother, annoyed at inability to follow blog unless member of blogger. Self has often been annoyed with Blogger service for many weeks, and has considered betrayal in favour of WordPress.

Self unwilling to transfer blog as self wanting continuity, and if self betrays Blogger, self has to start again, providing mere link back to old Blogger blog. Self has better idea. Self decides on systematic transferral of all previous blog posts to new WordPress blog as research into WordPress interface reveals allowance of user editing of date of post, giving unknowing reader impression self always blogged on WordPress!

Self can also redraft sub-par blog posts with attempts at fresh humour. Self can also insert tone self has in blog now into old posts where tone different. Benefits of betrayal abound.

Thus, there will be no more josh in reel life on Blogger but lots more josh in reel life on WordPress.

Self unlikely to watch films for while anyway as Simon Amstell looking at self on YouTube video window.

Self says bye bye to blog readers for while and bye bye to Blogger forever.

Self says hello to new blog at: http://joshinreellife.wordpress.com/

Knight and Day

Wake at 11am after (day of light) and night of heaving drinking with non-flatmate workmate Lydia and non-flatmate old friend Jimmy at hallowed tavern on Strand. Evening culminated in reading of play self amalgamated from pre-existing Harold Pinter plays drawn from tome Harold Pinter Plays 4 with view of performing play with flatmate Tom, but production plan progress limited by flatmate Tom refusal to communicate with self from original homestead in Devon through social networking site. Self considers replacing flatmate Tom with non-flatmate Jimmy but self doesn't want to commit to notion as self drunk.

Date with non-flatamte workmate friend-in-real-and-reel-life Valentina later on to take in recent Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz release (ingeniously titled Knight and Day) means self has limited time to watch series twenty-two of BBC television programme Never Mind the Buzzcocks hosted by Simon Amstell. Self has developed previously-minor-but-now-advancing-towards-obsessive interest in Simon Amstell. Newfound idolisation debilitating for blog as self has three series of television programme to catch-up on so little-to-no time to watch films.

Self only willing to leave laptop and constant You Tubing of Simon Amstell face because Knight and Day features Tom Cruise face. Simon Amstell love still in infancy whereas Tom Cruise love solidified like non-clonal Great Basin Bristlecone Californian pine tree. Self has seen all Tom Cruise releases, with exception of Taps, which self has avoided watching as fearful that Taps as disappointing as Legend. 


With sky hue of vanilla, self takes on risky business of strolling through London free of influence of alcohol, as self wants to drink up cinematic Cruise portrait without blur of cider. Self makes all the right moves, avoiding upwards of ten off licenses, and completes almost impossible mission to far and away Leicester Square. Self considers cocktail, but keeps eyes wide shut when passing wealth of cocktail bars in Covent Garden. Self early, so self decides to purchase Betty Boop lighter from old man in China Town. Using pound coin as collateral, self enquires as to price of flame creator. Experience akin to interview with vampire as shopkeep has appearance of world's last samurai. Self feels like lamb in front of lion, but remains firm, handing over colour of money, and leaving, passing few good men on way back to Leicester Square. Self attempts to light cigarette, but passer-by comments, "It's beginning to rain, man." Self believes analysis of weather without credit, as magnolias blooming feverishly under sun in Leicester Square square-shaped garden.

Before long, friend-outside-of-work Valentina arrives and together we enter cinema. Self excited as much as when self and non-flatmate Valentina watched Iron Man 2. Self can't stop talking. Cinema staff visibly amused by self homosexual desire for Tom Cruise. Self annoyed that Tom Cruise shares forename with flatmate Tom as self has no physical attraction towards flatmate Tom whatsoever (except when flatmate Tom does hair in certain way). If self had to list objects of desire mentioned thus far in blog entry in terms of love, which self does as self enjoys creating opportunities for humiliation, list would be as follows (in list form):

1. Tom Cruise
2. Simon Amstell
3. Cameron Diaz
4. Flatmate Tom

Annoyance furthered when it becomes clear lazy cinema ushers have seated all audience members in large clump in centre of stalls to avoid cleaning up. Complaints met with dismissal. Complaints voiced to other audience members met with agreement. Self decides vengeance in form of popcorn spillage totally fair. Lights dim and magic begins.

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!
kiss kiss... BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!
WHOOSH!
BANG BANG BANG!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAGGGHHH!!!
BANG! BANG! (kiss)
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BULLS ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Kiss. Kiss.)
VROOOOOOOOOOM!

Self leaves cinema in daze. Disorientation reaches height when self mistakes majority of passers-by for Simon Amstell. Feel as if self raped by Tom Cruise. Valentina tries to induce calm by notifying self that Tom Cruise to appear in Tom Cruise family life based reality show. News only makes self more flustered. Panic continues in workplace. Valentina attempts different method by mentioning that Simon Amstell appearing in Simon Amstell fictional family life based sitcom. News sends self into spiral of lunacy which ends only when self self-administers nine ciders whilst watching far less BANG BANG BANG Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Self barely makes it through night and following day.

Kick Ass

Following numbing experience offered by The Joneses, decide that self due film viewing that self knows congenial in advance. Load Jonathan-Ross-wife-scripted presumably jolly film Kick Ass onto VLC player. Create elaborate chicken/ham/tomato/cucumber/olive/lettuce/spinach/cheese/oregano/salt salad and enjoy by-now-well-known underdog plot of kid deciding to become vigilante superhero, including shockingly graphic (given preconceptions regarding film) stab-and-hit-by-car sequence and young-girl-who's-also-vigilante-and-daughter-of-ex-cop-now-vigilante-Nicolas-Cage saying "Cunts." 


Film not as limitedly "jolly" as thought. Mid-way through film find self lacking of time and visit shop to purchase replacement cider for flatmate Johnny and make way to work. During journey, decide to make attempt to fight crime whenever possible in fashion of titular hero of film Kick Ass - as self has special power Kick Ass lacking (self is fat) - but crime on streets of Southwark relatively sparse. During work hours, receive two texts on portable communication device - one from flatmate Johnny, one from non-flatmate German friend Anke - requesting presence of self to watch films. Self frantic with excitement at prospect of finally fulfilling dreams of flatmate Johnny/Gerard Butler date night which self has mentioned in recent blog entries (especially since flatmate Johnny jetting to Frankfurt following morning), as well as concordant excitement with prospect of what self could do with non-flatmate German friend Anke, which self can do with flatmate Johnny but without flatmate Johnny agreement, besides watching film. Tragedy takes grip of life as text messages received after self has already agreed with non-flatmate current workmate Valentina that self will trek to original homestead in Walthamstow to collect pre-purchased gift for non-flatmate fellow workmate Gianluca. Self expounds dilemma to flatmate Johnny and non-flatmate Anke and begins voyage to late-childhood home. On way, self meets flatmate Johnny anyway, so self ridded of guilt.


Continued observance of potential crime fighting opportunities reaches apex when self uses public waterhouse for reasonable sum of 20p and embarks on clean up operation. Likelihood of crime fighting circumstances in Hackney higher than in Southwark, but self several ciders in hole so self decides bus home better option.


Self too drunk to watch separate interval film so enter sleep coma in parents bed. Wake at 6.30am, steal Kenneth Anger elusive-but-at-time-notorious follow-up to Hollywood Babylon book Hollywood Babylon II and return to Southwark. Now guilty of committing more crime that self preventing. Self too bleary eyed to care. Self decides against continuing renegade lifestyle of theft and libertarianism and looks for crime on subterranean transport system, but rush hour crowd mostly sleepy so self out of work. 


Flatmate Johnny on way out of door when self returns to flat. Well wishing occurs before self settles on balcony to close out rest of Kick Ass and update blog. Film directed by Matthew Vaughn. Self fan of Matthew Vaughn. Self enjoyed Layer Cake, avoided Stardust, and will make genuine effort to watch 2012 release of Kick Ass 2: Balls to the Wall in cinema. Self particularly fond of Matthew Vaughn use of non-diegetic sound. Self does not use enough non-diegetic sound in real life - besides from repeat listening of Saturday Night by Whigfield (lyrics available below).


Discovery of sequel before watching end of Kick Ass pisses self off as ending prostitutes film as sequel fodder. However, self not too pissed off as film as good as everyone says. Nicolas Cage not amazing as self heard, although Nicolas Cage (purpose-achieved) comical when in suit as superhero Big Daddy. All told, thoroughly enjoyable experience. Self will continue to keep eye open for threats against humanity, even though self terrible at kicking ass. Self once tried to throw down to group of children on way home to gangland Walthamstow after children requested cigarette from self, but self ended up in similar position to henchmen who try to throw down to little girl in film. Decide to stick to what self knows best: superhuman capacity for drinking and typing blog. Self decides to listen to favoured song whilst doing so. Favoured song by Whigfield. 


Lyrics to Saturday Night by Whigfield


Dee Dee na na na

Saturday night, I feel the air
Is getting hot
Like you baby
I'll make you mine you know
I'll take you to the top
I'll drive you crazy
Saturday night, dance, I like
The way you move
Pretty baby
It's party time and not one
Minute we can lose
Be my baby

Da ba da dan dee dee dee da
Nee na na na - be my baby
Da ba da dan dee dee dee da
Nee na na na - Pretty baby x2

Saturday night, I feel the air
Is getting hot
Like you baby
I'll make you mine you know
I'll take you to the top
I'll drive you crazy
Saturday night, dance, I like
The way you move
Pretty baby
It's party time and not one
Minute we can lose
Be my baby

Da ba da dan dee dee dee da
Nee na na na - be my baby
Da ba da dan dee dee dee da
Nee na na na - be my baby

Saturday night, I feel the air
Is getting hot (saturday)
Like you baby (saturday)
I'll make you mine you know
I'll take you to the top(saturday)
I'll drive you crazy(saturday)
Saturday night, dance, I like
The way you move
pretty baby
It's party time and not one
Minute we can lose
be my baby (ohh ohh)

its party time ohh..
its party time ohh.....
be my baby

saturday
saturday
ohh...
saturday night
saturday night
ohh... x2

Da ba da dan dee dee dee da
Nee na na na
Saturday night x2
ohh...
Da ba da dan dee dee dee da
Nee na na na
Saturday night x2

Dee Dee na na na 

The Joneses

Wake at 10.30am to rave ringtone cranking out of mobile communication device. Ignore and return to state of slumber as device too far away from bed. Wake at 11.30am and return missed call from flatmate Johnny. Hopeful that flatmate Johnny interested in date night. Flatmate Johnny not interested in date night. Flatmate Johnny selfishly requests passport information, which self initially refuses as self does not want flatmate Johnny to go to SummerSlam. Flatmate Johnny instead needs information for purposes of weekend trip to Frankfurt. Self has seen Frankfurt so gives flatmate Johnny details.

Initiate routine and clean up debris from previous night date night with Date Night. Decide that self in mood to watch new film, something family oriented following previous night enjoyment of Steve Carell/Tina Fey release. Due to ongoing interest in David Duchovny, self has downloaded belittled domestic-film-about-commercialism The Joneses. Self wary of film as films based on popular phrases often unpopular. Although, self bared with Did You Hear About the Morgans? on basis of Hugh Grant alone, so self feels David Duchovny capable of shouldering burden of low quality if required.

Film concept interesting: David Duchonvy/Demi Moore (urgh) are fake husband/wife sent by organisation with lots of clients to wealthy neighbourhood to show off cool possessions so that well-off friends copy them and buy same items. David Duchovny exuding customary charm self enjoys in Californication, Season Two of which self bought in HMV for reasonable £13.93. Demi Moore exuding usual anticharm which self had to endure whilst watching Mr Brooks (because of involvement of Kevin Costner) which self father purchased last year in Blockbuster for even more reasonable £4.

Whilst watching film embrace soullessness on unprecedented scale, self begins itching for pair of Converse with Padded Collar (FootLocker, £54.99) to go with recently purchased slim cut pale blue jeans (H&M, £29.99). Self originally supposed to acquire trainer or equivalent last Wednesday, when self accompanied self parents on shopping spree in advisory capacity. Self father like David Duchovny character, but with real job. Self father toured shopping centre in Enfield with flamboyance akin to Elton John, purchasing iPhone 4 64GB (Vodafone, £219), iPad with Wifi and 3G (PC World, £699), and complete Virgin Media TV/Internet/Phone package (Virgin Media Store, £66/month).

David Duchovny would be jealous as David Duchovny does not have iPad with Wifi and 3G (PC World, £699), but David Duchovny does have everything else. David Duchovny neighbour not as rich and grows jealous of David Duchovny lifestyle. David Duchovny fed up of loveless existence and comes close to revealing secret to neighbour but Demi Moore stops him.

Self takes break from film to shower and straighten hair with Argos Value Range Aluminium Plate Hair Straightener (Argos, £4.84), which self was forced to buy after flatmate Tom took his own Argos Value Range Aluminium Plate Hair Straightener (Argos, £4.84) with him on holiday. Self returns to 13-inch 2.4GHz MacBook Pro (Apple Store, £999) and closes out film. Overlong montage reveals that David Duchovny not only one feeling pangs of isolation in commercialistic life and family splits. For reasons unbeknownst to self, David Duchovny decides to stay with Godzilla-creature-married-to-Ashton-Kutcher Demi Moore and drive to Arizona.

Film unrewarding, but acceptable, as it is in no way difficult to keep up with The Joneses. Self surprised by quotes on poster earmarking film as relevant for current times, given world in recession and self poor. Self buys most items in life from corner shop for less than £5. Life cheap. Self discontent with continually having to live vicariously through David Duchovny and flatmate Johnny. Watching film bad decision as self now sad. Self doesn't even want date night now.

Date Night

Return from work on two wheeled bicycle at 9.30pm. Indefinite plans formulated with flatmate Johnny over text messaging service leave self half prepared for screening of recent Gerard Butler comedy The Bounty Hunter. Self back in groove of blogging after The Bad Lieutenant so looking forward to sharing attempted witticisms with flatmate Johnny during screening. Flatmate Johnny returns to flat tired and needing to do writing for work, so screening set back to later date. Undeterred, self visits shop for supplies and returns with view to watch Steve Carell/Tina Fey action comedy Date Night. Flatmate Johnny requests permission to sit on bed with new laptop, so self has audience, which self enjoys.

Having only seen poster for Carell/Fey product, self prepared for Get Smartesc action experience as posters for two films borderline homogenous:

Fear sparks in soul when Mark Wahlberg name appears in credit sequence. Mark Wahlberg in The Happening. Self need not say more. Self pauses film on VLC player to alert flatmate Johnny that he may wish to leave room. Flatmate Johnny busy planning trip to Frankfurt. Flatmate Johnny busy planning trip to SummerSlam. Flatmate Johnny still wearing glum face. Self suspicious that flatmate Johnny only in room to bully self. If abuse continues, self will not be taking flatmate Johnny on date night any time soon. Except to watch The Bounty Hunter, although self will consider screening as date with Gerard Butler rather than flatmate Johnny.

Beginning of film suggests self in for domestic comedy experience rather than exploding trains. Fine by self as Steve Carell/Tina Fey cute couple. Mark Wahlberg fear settled by arrival of better Mark, Mark Ruffalo. Mark Rufallo sad about upcoming divorce. Steve Carell now concerned with own marriage. Mark Rufallo much happier in Just Like Heaven. Self liked Just Like Heaven. Self father thought Just Like Heaven silly. Self will not be taking self father on date night any time soon, except to watch Me and Orson Welles, as self father obsessed with Orson Welles, although self will consider screening as date with Zac Efron rather than self father.

Carell/Fey go out for special dinner in city as marriage mouldy. Carell/Fey unfortunately mistaken for James Franco and girl who voices daughter in Family Guy and evil cop duo threaten to kill them unless Carell/Fey give them flash drive. Action begins. Ray Liotta appears. Self wonders why top dog baddies always have dinner on their own at small table surrounded by henchmen.

Now that Ray Liotta angry Carell/Fey in big trouble. Only solution visit to Mark Wahlberg. Marky Mark not wearing top. Self pleased as Marky Mark hardly ever took off top in earlier viewing of Invincible even though Marky Mark body well toned. Marky Mark not American football stat anymore but secret service freelancer with wealth of technology in apartment. Very useful for Carell/Fey. Marky Mark involvement in intelligence oxymoronic. Fey flirting with Marky Mark (who can blame her: he can speak Israeli and has hardbody Israeli girlfriend who wants to "make the sex" with Carell/Fey) and Carell saddened. Carell/Fey have to ask questions about their relationship and revelatory home truths discussed. Feel as if film coupling domestic comedy and action genres adeptly. Flatmate Johnny, still in room completing online Guardian crosswords, pipes up with "This would make an awful radio play." Comment valueless as Date Night not radio play.

Steve Carell character just like character in Get Smart but character has gotten smarter. Date Night quite sweet although suffers from lack of further involvement from Mark Ruffalo. Carell/Fey non odd couple. Self surprised to find self tearing up at end. Self can't explain emotional response as self has only had two bottles of wine and one stolen cider formerly belonging to flatmate Johnny. Self jealous of action-packed adventurous fun on Carell/Fey date as self dates don't involve guns. Self dates usually include chicken, beers, flatmate Johnny and Gerard Butler. Decide self dates just like heaven.

The Bad Lieutenant

Wake at 10.30am and realise that it has been week since last confessional blog entry. In spite of roller coaster weekend featuring perverse hotel hijinks, drunken games of rounders and ninety minute walk along London Cycle Superhighway number seven, self still found time to watch Australia with non-flatmates life-giving parents and take in follow-up-feature-based-on-Hugh-Jackman-obsession screening of early-Wolverine-outing-hacker-film Swordfish. Unable to blog about former film as even though film in high definition, self too fat with kebab to keep eyes open for very long. Unable to blog about latter film as even though film not in high definition and self not fat with kebab, self too trashed on cider to recollect emotional response.

Initiate routine in newly cleaned kitchen. Wonder why kitchen so clean. Realise self made agreement with flatmate Johnny that if flatmate Johnny cleaned kitchen self would clean bathroom. Self obviously tipsy when deal struck but self devoid of excuses as flat empty as flatmate Johnny at work and flatmate Tom AWL in countryside to pen dissertation. Self wishes self had dissertation to write. Self instead has completely free day. Self aborts routine as cleaning body pointless in light of state of bathroom. Self strips down to essentials and initiates onslaught. 

Requiring break from quiet licking of year worth of self and flatmate pubis from bathroom floor, self returns to room for cigarette and episode two of Mad Men Season Four. In previous blog posts, self has noted vague interest in fonts. Knowing that typeface Helvetica should have been invented at current point in 60s-based-show-about-advertising-men, self has been keeping keen eye on decor of advertising offices featured in programme. Best orgasm of life occurs when self carries out textual analysis of every single frame of show and discovers this:

(REALISE WHEN REVIEWING BLOG POST THAT EFFECT OF PICTURE ONLY RELEVANT IF CLICKED ON TO VIEW IN FULL SIZE.)

Choking on cigarette solved by leaving room, entering bathroom and gulping down shot of domestic bleach. Calmed, self closes out episode thoroughly impressed. 

After relentless scouring of doo-doo detritus on inner rim of toilet bowl, self deserving of longer lunch-based break. Self decides upon new non-Harvey-Keitel-starring Werner Herzog/Nicolas Cage endeavour The Bad Lieutenant. Original screening of film failed as non-flatmate old friend James fell asleep. Non-flatmate James now in Swindon so self feels watching film not betrayal. 

As film progresses, can't help but feel as if titular adjective "bad" doesn't quite cover corruption of Nicolas Cage's Lieutenant. Nicolas Cage does crack. Nicolas Cage does coke CONSTANTLY. Nicolas Cage does heroin... wait... that was accident, Nicolas Cage thought heroin was coke. Nicolas Cage does coke to counter balance effect of heroin. Nicolas Cage has prostitute girlfriend. Nicolas Cage pimp as well as detective. Nicolas Cage willing to stop at nothing (truly, no thing whatsoever) to capture murderer. Nicolas Cage even willing to tell murderer where drug busts occurring. Nicolas Cage willing to do crack with murderer. Nicolas Cage doing drug deals with murderer. Nicolas Cage potentially losing plot due to too much crack. Nicolas Cage even willing to let murderer smoke crack from Nicolas Cage lucky crack pipe. Wait, Nicolas Cage brilliantly misleading murder to plant DNA evidence to frame murderer. But frame-up fine as murderer guilty.

Nicolas Cage off rails worse than in Leaving Las Vegas. Nicolas Cage likes to do good acting in films about addiction. No different in The Bad Lieutenant. Nicolas Cage almost making up for Bangkok Dangerous. Not quite making up for The Wicker Man. 

Pleased to see Val Kilmer looking thinner since Deja Vu. Hurried scroll through Val Kilmer filmography reveals Val Kilmer fond of appearing in films self has never heard of. Val Kilmer potentially responsible for self viewing habits for next month. Val Kilmer wants to stop Nicolas Cage arresting murderer at end of film. Val Kilmer jealous of Nicolas Cage career and so trying to be worse lieutenant. Nicolas Cage not happy. Potential straight-to-DVD spin off for Val Kilmer: From Bad to Worse Lieutenant.

Film ends with bad lieutenant being promoted to bad captain. Nicolas Cage apparently sober. Self annoyed. Nicolas Cage runs down club goers for hit of crack. Self relieved and impressed. Self feels dirtier than flat bathroom. Fear for self health as self easily influenced by Nicolas Cage. Can't afford coke. Can afford cider. Cider depressant. Self more likely to become sad lieutenant.

Cop Out

Wake, embarrassed, at 12pm. Uncertainty as to why self up and around flat so late on in day solved when arrival at desk reveals duo of wine bottles next to pile of foreign DVDs. Memories of two for £5.50 offer at local off license bubble in memory. Some sort of punishment necessary. Self recently downloaded Kevin Smith directed (but not scribed) Bruce Willis/Tracy Morgan buddy cop film Cop Out. Self did so in spite of abominable reviews because self has seen every other Kevin Smith film and self possesses completist streak. Zack and Miri Make a Porno digested smoothly without close attention (self needs to complete The Rebound review), so new film presumably similar.

Begin writing third paragraph of review and begin film. Film terrible. Film terrible to extent of being distraction. Film so terrible that self considering for first time since Clerks 2 aborting screening prematurely. But self needs punishment. Screening of Cop Out develops into ritualistic self harm ceremony. Fortunately, flat empty. About to strip naked and light candles and open bottle of flatmate Johnny rum and place lit candle purposefully close to flammable curtain until Kevin Pollak appears. Self loves Kevin Pollak. Kevin Pollak impressive in The Usual Suspects and bewitching as Tom Cruise sidekick in A Few Good Men. Kevin Pollak impression of Christopher Walken reason enough to live. Decide to carry on existence and continue writing The Rebound review.

Realisation that Kevin Pollak whoring himself out troubling. Film continues to be terrible. Film could well be worst of Bruce Willis career. Bruce Willis usually good at being detective. Bruce Willis detective/army member in Die Hard quadrilogy, The Last Boy Scout, Striking Distance, Mercury Rising, The Siege, Hart's War, Tears of the Sun, Hostage, Sin City, 16 Blocks and Planet Terror. Self feels that skills learnt from playing roles would enable Bruce Willis to sniff out abomination of script when abomination of script suggested to Bruce Willis by agent. Then self remembers Surrogates. But even Surrogates better than Cop Out. No explanation possible. Self decides to light more candles and place all candles next to flammable curtain. Until Jason Lee appears. Jason Lee usually reliable. Jason Lee previously in charming indie Mumford. Ted Danson also in Mumford. Coincidental, as in town of Mumford, everybody knows your name. Wish self was watching Mumford. Surely Jason Lee incapable of turning in sub-par performance just to please old pal Kevin Smith given that Kevin Smith didn't write film. Bruce Willis and Jason Lee engage in act-off. Both lose. Self wrong about Jason Lee. Jason Lee treacherous whore. Self reaches for lighter fluid that self borrowed from flatmate Tom. Plans to take life and flat down in Toy Story 3-esc inferno delayed as self must finish The Rebound review.

Plot seems to have been taken to police firing range given number of holes in it. Despite seeing all Bruce Willis detective films, self can't utilise skills to suss out evidence of Kevin Smith directing Cop Out. Apart from penis humour. Decide to take break by checking Facebook. Flatmate Tom has written on self Facebook wall complaining that Toy Story 2/Ratatouille/Toy Story 3 post gave away ending of Toy Story 3. Flatmate Tom fortunate as flatmate Tom likes Bruce Willis (hence liable to watch Cop Out at some point) and self can't even offer plot synopsis let alone spoiler for Cop Out as Cop Out cinematic equivalent of listening to song on mute.

Manage to avoid suicide by flaming curtain as film ends at same time as review for The Rebound. Feel like self would have died hard. Decide to continue life (however pointless that may be given debasement of Willis, Lee and Smith), extinguish candles, and ride two-wheeled bicycle to work. Feel as if Cop Out would have been more appreciated if self had procured two for £5.50 deal beforehand. Feel as if all involved responsible for their own type of cop outs.

Remember Me

Wake at 9am and decide no cause for such early action and affects of Sleep Aid not fully discharged. Wake at 11.30am and settle down at desk to write sensible non-blog review of The Rebound for website. Self has file in recent downloads that self ashamed of: Robert Pattinson indie Remember Me. Self was requested to locate film by non-flatmate workmate Valentina, who although saying RPatz looked fat in recent Twilight Saga offering Eclipse, still harbours crush on boy vampire. Received texts from workmate Valentina claiming RPatz film caused unstoppable floods of eye water. Self immediately interested, but still tentative about watching film as self suspicious that certain young English males who like acting genuinely allergic to RPatz and RPatz success. Eventually succumb, load film onto VLC player, as self led to believe by gossip whoremonger Perez Hilton that RPatz career veering towards similar type of film, whilst fellow Twilight alumnus Taylor Lautner heading for action mainstream, and so self should - for sake of interest in medium of cinema - keep track of RPatz career development. Self also feels as if self can ignore film quite easily whilst writing review as film marketed as romance.

Self, again, misled by marketing. Film very distracting. Chris Cooper very upset by death of wife. RPatz very upset about death of older brother and deficient relationship with big shot lawyer dad Pierce Brosnan. Too much bad for self in early afternoon. Self prefers bad when self wearing tight jeans and leather jacket. Self puts film on pause so self can focus. Things much better.

Beginning The Rebound review painstaking - as self has not properly reviewed film for years - but not without slight merit. Self finishes introduction and synopsis and attempts to begin third paragraph. Self needs screening notes. Notes not in bag. Notes not in other bag. Notes not under bed. Notes not in pile of other notes. Notes not in fridge. Self accepts with great annoyance that notes must be where all other things that aren't in room located: locker at workplace. Self is forced to abort review and carry out mundane life chores. Self may as well watch RPatz film at same time.

RPatz almost same age as self. RPatz complains that by RPatz age Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart had composed thirty symphonies, Gandhi had fathered three children, and Buddy Holly was dead. RPatz neglects to mention his own success at that age.

Although RPatz smoking and very angry for no explicable reason, RPatz not James Dean. RPatz doesn't notice hilarious relevance of annoying friend's complaint: "I'm really sick and tired of this of this brewing introvert shit." RPatz aiming to make whole career out of this acting approach. RPatz acting approach limited. RPatz good at brooding as brooding involves staring at floor and having unpredictable hair. RPatz works magic on Chris Cooper daughter. Magic involves looking smug. Chris Cooper daughter unwilling to date RPatz, even though RPatz not vampire and working magic. RPatz likes daughter, but problematic as daughter daddy likes arresting RPatz because RPatz also likes fighting because RPatz likes doing James Dean impression. Whilst looking at floor.

Even self, who has burnt incense whilst listening to albums by Bright Eyes whilst waiting for text from girl that self phone never receives whilst drinking self to oblivion, thinks RPatz needs to perk up. Film centred around RPatz rage range so film naturally limited. Self never comes close to workmate Valentina reaction, but self can see why emotional response possible. (Workmate Valentina girl.)

RPatz eventually manages to gain almost-likability in closing montage when revelation that RPatz about to die because RPatz in wrong place (Twin Towers) at wrong time (11th September 2001). Climax raises self's eyebrow. Film title never fully explained, but then, lots in film without explanation, most of all RPatz rage. Self annoyed that memory of Remember Me will linger because of inclusion of American disaster. Self decides to set off for work and display impression of RPatz rage to workmate Valentina as punishment for recommendation. Self changes mind instantly as workmate Valentina can beat self in fight. Decide to collect notes in locker and sit in corner, looking smug whilst looking at floor.

Toy Story 2, Ratatouille, Toy Story 3

Wake at 9am and begin revision of Toy Story 2 as self has date with non-flatmate current-workmate Valentina at 3pm to watch Toy Story 3 at Empire cinema in Leicester Square. Self has seen original toy tale several times but sequel toy film only once. Self forgot how annoying Joan-Cusack-voiced cowgirl Jesse is. Self pleased self didn't have to watch Banditen! with her. 


Film filled with talking toys. Problematic to self. Has self been abusing childhood fur-stuffed-critters by turning blind eye when all critters want to do is play at make believe, whilst pretending to be inanimate whenever self arrives home? Self assesses toys in room: tiny stuffed cow in bag, yellow bear on window sill, charred cow of similar size next to yellow bear. Realise that cow has serious cowslaughter lawsuit case potential against self as self made film in youth about numerous ways cow could be tortured: crucified, frozen, oven-baked, covered in pegs, squished by weights, punched, kicked, elbow dropped, forced to listen to Britney Spears, forced to watch Multiplicity with Michael Keaton. Worriment of triple threat toy blitz on self in middle of night calmed by glaring love for toys since self took toys with self when self moved from family home to flat.


Annoyance felt towards cowgirl Jesse lessened when Sarah McLachlan classic When She Loved Me comes on. Self refers to gift from flatmate Johnny: Disney/Pixar Greatest Hits Album (released 19th July). Song important enough to achieve placing at track three, twenty-three tracks closer to beginning of album than Para El Buzz Espanol cover of Randy Newman classic You've Got a Friend in Me.


Film concludes and although overtly better than 90% of Hollywood output, not quite up to par for self on Disney/Pixar scale. Self decides to compile Disney/Pixar list for future reference. 


Disney/Pixar List for Future Reference
(films ranked in terms of quality according to self [qualifications available on request])
1. Ratatouille
2. WALL-E
3. Toy Story
4. Monsters Inc.
5. Up
6. Finding Nemo (which at time of release was widely considered best Pixar film)
7. The Incredibles (which at time of release was widely considered best Pixar film)

8. Toy Story 2

9. A Bug's Life

10. Cars

Self disappointed to learn that next Pixar film on horizon Cars 2. (Self feelings on film available for perusal above.)

Research prior to threequel screening completed, self composes salad and cleans kitchen. Smug feelings because of ownership of Foundation Certificate in Basic Food Hygiene (qualification proof available on request) lead to self watching Ratatouille (feelings regarding film available for perusal above) whilst labouring in kitchen. Ratatouille one of best examples of artistic representation of class and race divides, whilst at same time, rather unfortunately, fine example of American-based stereotype of French people.

Film, like elaborate version of Lobster Bisque (see bottom of post for further explanation), exquisite (if not for flatmate Johnny, possessive as he is of certain allergies). Self almost moved to tears when food critic Ego takes food of rat and whisked back into childhood. Scene perfect on screen rendering of deep-routed metaphysical feeling of nostalgia. Scene also inclusive of voice-over critical review of rat restaurant. Scripting of voice-over beautiful dissection of license of critics and almost seemingly geared towards making reviewers of film tear up. Self needs no authorisation to cry freely, but self pacified by mostly happy conclusion. 

Self takes two-wheeled bicycle to Leicester Square to meet workmate Valentina for screening of Toy Story 3. Self usually unwilling to pay extortionate West End sum for ticket for films self can acquire four months later by other means, but self was directed to Peter Bradshaw review by flatmate Tom last Friday. Bradshaw review of new toy film around 50% description of critic personal life, thereby brilliant. Self and Valentina take full advantage of Valentina phone contract with Orange and take seats in plush auditorium. Self handed pair of 3D glasses. Self unaware film in 3D. Self wildly discontented with state of current Hollywood pretend-you're-on-a-rollercoaster cinema. Self resigns self to unstoppable force of entertainment-aimed-at-attention-deficit-children.

Usual Pixar short begins before main feature. Self decides use of 3D in Pixar film now acceptable as there was no additional entertainment in form of short film provided before fucking Avatar.

Film, like large pink strawberry scented bear featured in film and unlike now-less-annoying-but-still-on-screen-cowgirl Jesse, extremely loveable. Film introduces concept of metrosexuality (which self has embraced like a feminist to hair growth [apologies to self mother - support of remark available upon request]) in form of Ken doll character. Similarities to Ken doll disturbing to self. More disturbing to self is revelation during end credits that Ken doll voiced by Michael Keaton. Decide that voice work does not constitute equation of self with animated character and so self remains in no way related at all to Multiplicity. 

Film reaches apex when toys engineer escape from day-care facility. Scene reminiscent of brilliant giant-gingerbread-man climax of Shrek 2. Self, along with workmate Valentina, tears up behind 3D spectacles when seventeen year old Andy gives childhood toys away to young girl. Self also felt pangs of emotion when toys all face death-by-massive-inferno together. After elongated-but-no-less-gripping scramble to escape, toys stop moving, give each other longing looks of acceptance, and join hands, prospect of death eased by amity. Moment undeniably powerful and, after three films, resonant in way that most human films fail to achieve in even remotest way.

Self leaves screening with workmate Valentina feeling humbled by gravitas of Disney/Pixar comfortable dwarfing of most other film studio offerings. Realise that Disney one of most valuable assets of cinema. Self feels no desire to punctuate end of blog post with surreal-attempted-comedic phrase. 

Recipe for elaborate Lobster Bisque

Ingredients

• 1 live lobster
• 1 pint of cream
• 3 sticks of celery
• 1/3 of a cup of chopped onions
• ¾ of a cup of plain flour
• ¼ lb of butter
• ¾ of a cup of tomato purée
• 1 tbsp of lemon juice
• 2 chicken stock cubes
• 1 tbsp of steak sauce
• 1 tbsp of sugar
• 2 tsp of salt
• 1 tsp of Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tsp of white pepper
• 8 black peppercorns

Method

1. Pour 5 litres of cold water into a large pot, add the stock cubes, chopped onion, celery, salt and peppercorns and bring to the boil.
2. Once the water has reached a fierce boil, carefully add the live lobster, placing it headfirst into the boiling water.
3. Cover the pot with the lid, return to the boil and then start timing. Cook the lobster for 12 minutes on a reduced heat.
4. Once the lobster shell has turned bright red after the 12 minutes, remove the lobster from the stock and place it in a dish to cool and so that the juices are caught and can be added to the liquid.
5. Continue to simmer the broth, leaving the pot uncovered.
6. Once the lobster has cooled, remove the meat from the shell, chop it up into small pieces and keep it to one side.
7. Place the shell and lobster parts (not the meat) back into the pot and continue to cook until it has reduced by half.
8. In a separate large saucepan, melt the butter gently.
9. Add the flour and mix into the butter, stirring continuously in order to form a paste. Cook the mixture for 1 minute to get rid of the taste of the flour, stirring constantly.
10. Then, add the tomato purée and mix together. Cook for another minute.
11. Next, gradually add the lobster stock through a sieve, so that only the liquid goes through, always stirring continuously.
12. Once a smooth sauce has been formed, reduce the heat.
13. Add the lemon juice, salt, Worcestershire sauce, white pepper and the sugar, mix together and then simmer for a further 10 minutes, making sure that you stir the broth occasionally.
14. Slowly stir in the light cream and slightly turn up the cooking temperature.
15. Add any extra seasoning if required and then add the reserved chopped lobster meat to the soup.
16. Cook for a further few minutes, then serve hot.

Bandits

Leave work at 9.15pm and walk homeward. Originally provisional organisation of meeting with non-flatmate new-German-friend Anke to watch Bandits reaches consummation when self meets Anke at tube station. Anke has acquired several cans of cider as self apparently told her to. Self has also acquired several cans of cider on off chance that Anke memory neglectful.

Self and new pal retire to self's bedroom to invent homemade cinema in form of newly cleansed heavy-duty office chair (originally gleaned from street by flatmate Johnny which self puts laptop on, using bed as auditorium).

Anke displays home-made DVD made by Anke mother. Self initially finds DVD repugnant as self suspicious of pirating (which self would never partake in as self finds illegal downloading far more tolerable) but feelings squashed when DVD revealed as copy of previously purchased DVD. Self enjoys exclamation mark in film title on box of DVD:

Screening begins. Self has seen Bandits in past. Self has since developed fondness for Barry Levinson. However self not fully happy with Levinson output of late: Robert De Niro film-about-producer-that's-not-as-good-as-heart-warming-De-Niro-film-Everybody's-Fine What Happened?, embarrassingly terrible Jack Black philosopy-of-shit film Envy. Self used to, in childhood, watch Bandits every Sunday on computer in parents' study with several bowls of Ricicles: version of cereal similar to Kellogg's Rice Krispies but with addition of frosted sugar coating. Self has been involved in ongoing quest to find box of Ricicles ever since moving in to new flat. Self has endured sustained disappointment on this front.

Self fondly remembers Bob Dylan heavy soundtrack. Self begins torrenting soundtrack. Anke vocalises enjoyment of documentary-filmmaker-whose-imaginary-programme-bookends-film's voice and self considers adoption of deeper tones in self voice to seem more attractive. Film equally enjoyable as used to be to younger self.

Enjoyment of Banditen! enhanced by continued use of space bar to pause film to discuss cross-references. Pause button also utilised during consecutive visitations by flatmate Johnny and flatmate Tom to discuss flatmate Tom and flatmate Johnny. Self feels incestuousness of flatmates unappealing to non-flatmate Anke and self closes door.

Anke fount of film knowledge. Anke film viewing history results in self shame at not having seen Footloose. Self has purposefully avoided watching Footloose as self unnerved by image of Kevin Bacon dancing. Self attempts redemption by citing Flashdance. Citation flops and self considers going on run and starting career as bank robber with hope of avoiding further embarrassment. Self ready for occupation as self has, at various points in life, felt similarities to all three main characters of Banditen! However, self currently most akin to Billy Bob Thornton allergy-obsessed-feminine character, so self does nothing.

Home-made cinema, towards end of film, causes neck pains. Self exhausted after long day of press screening and date. Anke far from understanding. Anke insists on talking to self until late hours. Self considers use of end of permanent marker on back of new pal Anke's neck to give impression of self owning gun. Plan sabotaged by self as self falls asleep. Self unsure of whether meeting with Anke constituted date. Self wonders if Cate Blanchett liked Billy Bob Thorton or Bruce Willis more in Banditen! as result of comparison would give self hint. Self can't decide. Self endures nightmares of Kevin Bacon dancing whilst clutching to non-Kevin-Bacon-lookalike Anke. Kevin Bacon becomes imaginary presence in mind and self longs for bottom end of permanent marker.

The Rebound

Wake at 7.50am and find that self not as hungover as anticipated. Self was fairly drunk during previous evening following performance of Sondheim irregularity Assassins at The Union Theatre featuring non-flatmate ex-workmate current-performer Anthony. Mild drunkeness brought on by single vodka diet coke as self had eaten only handful of peanuts and piece of roll all day.

Initiate routine and include trip to nearby cafe to pick up two bacon rolls, one for self, one for flatmate Johnny, as thank you present for lending self £40 after self idiotically left wallet in workplace locker. Set off on two wheel bicycle to Twentieth Century Fox building on edge of Soho Square. Self nervous as usual treatment by staff at such events equivalent to treatment of clamp inventor on Top Gear. Self also fearful of boredom as film that self present to watch, The Rebound, includes performance by Catherine Zeta-Jones, who self detests as married to Michael Douglas who self detests, and appeared in lifeless gives-bad-name-to-rom-coms film No Reservations, which self detests.

Feeling mutual as mouthy critic nearby says to employee that boiling temperature of screening room fine as it will make it easier to sleep. Feel as if critic's forecasting of quality of film reflects general mood of room as everyone looking glum and wry smiles indicate critics are pre-planning sarcastic remarks to include later in reviews.

Self glances over programme notes and learns that writer/director of film Bart Freundlich directed David Duchovny film Trust the Man that self liked as self opposite-of-detests David Duchovny. Hope rises.

Hope sinks straight away as CZJ given too much screentime. CZJ husband cheating on her. She finds out. Moves to New York. Gets babysitter in form of new-favourite-male-star-except-for-Ryan-Reynolds Justin Bartha. Self begins to experience minor enjoyment of film but only when Justin Bartha onscreen. Nearby critic varies in opinion as Justin Bartha present onscreen when critic collects bag and leaves.

Justin Bartha decides to reject high paid business career and work as CZJ manny instead. Find self relating to emasculative nature of Justin Bartha's character. Self also relates to agism of CJZ towards Justin Bartha when considering relationship with him as self youngest person in screening room by twenty years.

One hour in and self utterly gripped. Laugh as often as possible as laughter infectious and self wants to fool critics in room into writing more positive reviews than the pre-film banter suggested they will.

Was originally annoyed by CZJ milky eyes, but now self liable to cry if things work out badly. Surely Justin Bartha not just rebound. Surely CZJ capable of loving him. Self usually hates notion of significant age gaps in relationships but now self convinced that there can be romantic reconciliation. Justin Bartha even more upset than self and goes travelling world for five years. Writer/director Bart potentially drawing from real life as made film nine years earlier called World Traveler.

Film ends with heart-rending coincidental meeting. Ellipsis used rather than certain ending which is reflective of thoughtful, subtle, touching work. Self's eyes start watering regardless of lack of sad ending and embarrassment takes sway and self slides deeper into chair. Self thankful that no one else on row of seats. Film should not have been marketed like generic romance shlock as film cleverer than that. Self no longer detests CZJ. Decide, at least until self watches another film, that self will take note from feminine Justin Bartha character and be nice to people. Buy card for flatmate Johnny and give flatmate Tom can of beer. Sit on flat balcony and consider self's options regarding continued rebound following what is now almost Jurassic relationship. Justin Bartha leaps to mind. Ryan Reynolds joins him.

I Love You Phillip Morris

Wake at 1pm when noise of scuffle in hallway outside front door begins. Look up and see through room doorway, down hall, through front door window, mirage of flatmate Tom trying to open door. Check time on alarm clock and decide too late in day to be found in bed. Swing door closed and get up.

As self initiates totally-disilimar-to-gruelling-morning-work-out-routine-in-American-Psycho routine, self reflects on previous three days. Last film self watched was delightful I Love You Phillip Morris on Thursday. Self spent all of (thurs)day playing football entertainment-console game with flatmate Tom and watching Jim Carrey/Ewan McGregor film (without flatmate Tom).

Impressed by film from outset, especially shot of Jim Carrey driving car getting hit by other car without cutaway. Film possessive of many homosexual stereotypes, but in such way that homosexual stereotypes inoffensive and edging more towards types from one speaker rather than in stereo.

Film also possessive of many twists and turns that self enjoyed to extent of not wanting to spoil film for three blog readers who may potentially want to enjoy plot twists of own accord in future. However, self, although not fan of filmic mathematics, willing to offer equation to describe film. Equation, seriously, accurate. Equation thus: Catch Me If You Can + The (Gay) Shawshank Redemption = I Love You Phillip Morris.


Self feels blog required to update McGregor accent tracker: McGregor American accent worse than The Men Who Stare at Goats but better than Deception. Almost all things in life better than Deception. On unrelated note, almost all things in life better than deception.

Self pleased to see Jim Carrey back in courtroom. Self pleased more at opportunity to assess Carrey acting ability in neutral Carrey-courtroom environment. Carrey, of course, Carrey. But Carrey also slightly not Carrey. Result = Carrey impressive x film (in general) also impressive + not terrible McGregor accent - appearance from Orange guy = self likes-to-extent-of-almost-loving I Love You Phillip Morris.

Number of followers of blog + number of times self thinks about blog per day = embarrassing state of dependence of (and accordance to) blog. Summation of situation + business at work = reduction of updates of blog.

Numerous future blog updates evolve notwithstanding current state of blog standing: following enjoyable oglement (not a word) of Carrey caper-cum-drama self attends preview of play by self's former university's drama society's Edinburgh fringe play offering Waiting for Lefty written by American writer Clifford Odets and self enjoys play, so self attends after party, entailing self ending up drinking until 4am with non-flatmate previously-mentioned-in-blog Louise, non-flatmate bisexual Nick, and non-flatmate German Anke; self docks with Anke on filmic terms in regard to under appreciated Bruce Willis/Billy Bob Thornton/Cate Blanchett mild-adventure film Bandits, resulting in self arranging, in half-hearted manner, future date based around film. Further opportunity for blogging under more exciting circumstances occurs when self invited to press screening of new Catherine Zeta-Jones romance film The Rebound (not to be confused with Martin Lawrence film of same name about bouncing ball sport). Further further opportunity evinced when non-flatmate workmate Valentina expresses interest in viewing Toy Story 3.

Self deluged with cinematic requests + drinking - self control = laziness. Self provisionally arranges date with non-flatmate Anke for Monday evening and trip to cinema with workmate Valentina on Wednesday day.

Self pleased at distraction by multitude cultural eventualities because self not thinking, for change, about fonts. Self contentment continues until flatmate Johnny unveils new torture device:

Jealousy of T-shirt + lack of clean clothes x Johnny taking on Samuel-L-Jackson-in-Unthinkable-approach to co-habititation = high percentage possibility of knocking sleeping Johnny unconscious and premiering T-shirt Monday morning at The Rebound press screening.

Unthinkable

Wake at 8am and roll out of bed with hope of looking bright eyed and bushy tailed to flatmates. Instead look weary eyed and fat. Make coffee and slump at desk to watch film self had never heard of but that contained so many stars that self felt required to download it: Unthinkable. Film directed by Gregor Jordan who self likes for Joaquin Phoenix dark-comedy-based-on-book Buffalo Soldiers but doesn't like for reductive nature of career trajectory thenceforth: passable Ned Kelly and later abomination The Informers.

Michael Sheen doing chameleon impression again, this time being American Arab who has planted three bombs in three cities and won't tell anyone where they are. Carrie-Anne Moss is alarmed as she is in charge of anti-terrorist group. Upheaval leads to Gil Bellows from Ally Mcbeal and Superman Brandon Routh going to arrest Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson reading story about bears to children. Samuel L. Jackson very unhappy about being disturbed. Samuel L. Jackson taken in for questioning.

Self experiences considerable confusion for opening half hour of film as very little being explained. Self feels this is good filmmaking rather than bad scripting. Eventually revealed that Samuel L. Jackson is shady ex-military figure who is talented torturer.

Michael Sheen gets himself caught on purpose by standing still in shopping complex for twenty minutes. Michael Sheen taken to secret military dungeon for torturing. Carrie-Anne and Samuel arrive and witness Michael being gently punished with water pistol. "Gentle" not in Samuel's vocabulary. "Persuasion techniques" for girls. Samuel unfurls blanket of torture devices including mini meat cleaver and hacks off Michael's finger to let Michael know that Samuel not fucking around.

Samuel apparently knows the rules of prisoner engagement but has zero regard for them. Samuel prone to this type of thing as shown in The Negotiator. Carrie-Anne needs to phone Kevin Spacey. Instead Carrie-Anne complains continually about Samuel's escalating inhumanity toward Michael. Self not generally fond of torture scenes, but self finding film genuinely gripping.

Nevertheless, when self hears flatmate Tom's door open, self serves suggestion of tennis. Flatmate Tom returns dissent but later volleys an affirmative and we venture forth to Southwark public courts. Weather unkind to extent of flatmate Tom forgoing usual orange vest attire. Self still hopeful of possibility of sun so self dons red vest. Concrete damp and compilation of puddles makes for near-epic battle of non-orange slug and red slug. Pleased with lack of torture in self's non-reel life as otherwise self knows flatmates Tom's tennis racket would be put to create use after self punishes flatmate Tom in opening set. Self annoyed with lack of torture in non-reel life when flatmate Tom avenges himself in gruelling following set. Too early in day to enjoy well-deserved routine visit to pub, so return home to finish non-torture-porn torture film.

Enjoy two line put down that self would expect to hear in House: "This is not what we talked about." "That's because you're only listening to yourself."

Samuel prevented from continued spurning of Geneva convention as techniques fruitless. Carrie-Anne allowed to attempt psychological approach. Micahel Sheen as strong willed as Lucian, Lord of Lycans, so Samuel allowed back in to torture chamber to attempt psychological approach of his own: playing classical music and slashing Michael Sheen's wife's throat open in front of him.

Michael Sheen finally gives up information. Information not location of bombs, rather Michael's demands. Feel as if one of demands should have been to not kill wife, but self realises that larger religious and political concerns being deliberated by film. Michael wants withdrawal of American troops from all Islamic countries.

...

Suggestion fair enough? Government hot heads so outraged by fair-enough-but-ridiculous-because-America-in-charge-of-planet proposition that they decide Michael lying about nuclear bombs. Non-nuclear bomb goes off. Michael not lying about bombs.

Despite Samuel's non-diagnosed-but-blatant insanity, government morons ask Samuel to continue torture as ten million American lives at stake. Samuel says he must do unthinkable - THAT'S THE NAME OF THE FILM! - and decrees that Michael's children be brought in. Carrie-Anne draws line at children. Samuel steps over live with hypodermic syringe and flies at children in locked room. Door of torture chamber shot through and Samuel dragged away from children. On plus side, Michael has given up location of three bombs to Carrie-Anne. Samuel decides that there must be fourth bomb. Samuel wants to attack children again but no one will let him. Samuel decides that there is no point in torturing Michael anymore and sets him free. Michael grabs gun and shoots himself.

Bomb disposal experts, fearlessly doing away with Hurt Locker style giant teddy bear suits, defuse bombs throughout country. Bad news (teddy) bears for one disposal team as tracking shot to different part of shadowy building reveals another bomb. Fourth bomb. Samuel was right. Increased dramatic tension avoided as few people left to die. Survivors of Samuel L. Jackson's individual war on human rights can eagerly anticipate incineration in forthcoming nuclear explosion. Timer on bomb ticks down from 00:00:00:09. Film cuts to black.

Thoroughly enjoyed film but self aware of over-roasting of drama in places. Still, idea far from half-baked. Self pleased with start of day. Decide losing at tennis much much much better than being in locked room with Samuel L. Jackson, especially when Samuel L. Jackson angrier than he was in Lakeview Terrace, Pulp Fiction, Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane, and Cloverfield.


Self prepares to prepare salad for later in day.

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